Thoughts on a Cloudy Day

life

Sooo... life. Where to even begin. Well I guess I can start by saying this isn't really intended to be a rant but it might turn into one. So please be warned. i doubt anyone will want to read this, it's really more for my peace of mind than anything else. I don't stress. Like ever. its not in my DNA and i have never let anything really bother me enough to stress me out. But that was before i got a job, real world/growing up problems, and trying to balance being a full time college student at the same time. i never noticed how much i valued my alone time and being able to just do what i wanted when i wanted without worrying whether i was going to be tired in the morning for work and weather i would have time to finish all of my school work by my deadline. the people in my family get these little tiny bumps/blisters on our hands when we stress out. me and my sister got it from my dad, and i haven't had any since i was in JR high school but now i have a few really tiny ones on my thumb. which means i am stressed. i haven't really been acting stressed but i think i have been blatantly ignoring all signs until now. i almost had a mini mental break down the other night heading home from work all because my sister complained about the music i was playing. i am never that touchy. i don't get upset or mad easily. this isn't like me. oh and on top of working and school, i have to worry about saving all of the money i can so me and my sister can move out together in a year. we already have everything planned out, except exactly what kind of school i will be going to. by then i will already have an associates degree in art, but i can't decided if i want to go to UT to become a librarian or to culinary school to become a pastry chef... or throwing both of those to the wind and getting a job when i move to austin and begin an apprenticeship at a tattoo place to become a tattoo artist. those are all three things i love. Books, Cooking, and making art for people. i have never been one of those people that think blood and needles are scary or gross. i have always been fascinated by them. And cooking is something i have always loved and have been fairly good at, i used to bake all the time and thought it was so much fun and was still a type of art for me but over the last year i have been baking less and less, seeing it as more of a chore than something to do for the sake of i love doing it. and i dont want to be one of those people that hate there job and/or their life. and being a librarian would be fun, being around so many books all day but what it was boring? and with that one i feel like i couldn't really be myself because i'm a bright person, i want lots of tattoos and piercings, and as soon as i move and secure a job i want to dread my hair. so i don't think i will look the part of librarian and probably scare little kids. and with cooking, some places don't allow piercings. so yeah... i love my job i have now, it's not too hard and everyone i work with is pretty great. my manager has been giving me more hours and i appreciate the money that comes along with that but it's exhausting. i am surrounded by people the whole time i'm at work, whether it's just my co workers or the enormous crowds the swarm the bakery that i work at. i have never been an introvert person but i think this job might change that. when i get home from work i immediately just want to put my headphones in and curl up by myself in my room and sleep, or draw, or make something, or fucking cleaning would even be ok. just as long as i am alone. my mom and sister thought i was being a rude last night because i did exactly that and was cleaning my room and doing laundry while listening to my music softly playing in my headphones. i had the lights dimmed in my room and my incense burning to try to relax me. it helped a bit. and by morning i usually feel much better but by the next evening i just want to do it all over again. i think i am going to burn though my incense pretty fast in the near future. kala is so organized and is constantly making lists of stuff she needs done and making plans for our move, and she doesn't seem too stress. maybe i just need to get my shit together. figure my life out. kind of at least. some organization in my life would do me good. so i guess that's what i am going to try to start doing organizing, planning, and remaining calm, collected and my normal stress repellant self. if i stop letting stuff worry me and let it just roll off the surface like i used to it will all fall into place... hopefully... i feel a bit better now after writing all this out. i have to be at work in an hour and a half but since it's a monday we shouldn't be too busy. 

Peace Love and Happiness to all, 

KLH