Jaime's point of view:
Vic was and is always the one who laughs much in groups, he actually laughs very often.
But lately he got more silent when we were alone. He doesn't talk much and he seems absent, as if his thoughts were somewhere totally different. I'm getting more worried with every second we spend together, alone. I just don't want him to get back to old habits.
Vic's point of view:
'I can't take this. Can you all please stop talking? And leave me alone? I'm getting tired of pretending that everything's okay, that everything's fine. Because it's not!'
Everything's stressing me out recently.
All the feelings are just steadily fading away. I'm either sad or just numb.
There's just one thought that keeps growing in my mind: "Die. Kill yourself. Nobody cares anyway." And the worst thing is, I am slowly starting to believe it.
I started to cut again, I reneged on my promise, which makes me feel even worse.
I cut deeper this time. Actually my whole arm is in pain right now, it hurts with every motion. But it doesn't really bother me anymore. It feels normal. I'm just still alive.
"Vic! Is everything okay with you?", Jaime's voice pulls me out of my thoughts. His bright eyes look directly into mine. He looks a bit worried.
"What? Yeah, I'm fine", I lie while everyone is staring at me. They are content with it and keep on talking. They are always content with it.
Just Jaime keeps staring at me.
"Do you have a minute?", he asks me and as I nod we leave the table.
"What's wrong with you?", he asks again.
"Nothing. Really.", I don't want him to know. I don't want to bother one of my few friends.
"Vic, for fucks sake, do I look like a stupid idiot? Something's bothering you. You seem like being far away with your thoughts in some moments, like just at the table. And these moments are heading up every time we meet." I want to say something but he keeps on talking. "And when we're alone, you're just completely different. You barely smile or say a word and you're mostly kind of absent. I'm worried and a bit scared." There's a short time of silence. He worries. About me. And he's scared... But why?
"I'm scared because when ... when I look into your face in those moments, your ... eyes are ... they are widening. But they look ... they look numb, everything on you looks numb then." His voice cracks at some points and I'm afraid he might start crying now, but he stays calm or at least he tries, 'cause he's shaking a little bit while he looks right into my eyes.
I didn't think he would notice. I didn't think anyone would notice. And now he just ... noticed everything. But he doesn't understand.
I can't say a word. If I do, I'll start crying instead, so I just stare back and bite my lower lip, just like I always do when I'm nervous.
Jaime seems to understand, he looks compassionate. And then puts his arms around my body and hugs me.
Fuck. That hurts so much. I wince badly under his grip and grimace with pain. Jaime immediately lets go of me, he looks really scared now.
"Vic, please tell me it's not what I think it is." A tear is running down his face and now I can't hold mine. I start crying so badly, it's answer enough.
I can't stop.
Jaime's trying to calm me down and hug me with one arm under my injured one; I'm shaking so badly, he has to hold me very tightly. I kind of feel secure and I stop shaking. Silent tears are streaming down my face, but I feel a bit better now.