Mirrors

I wrote half of this while having a panic attack... Why? Idk...

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Why was sadness an emotion? Why did I have to feel this way? Why did everyone of my thoughts go everywhere and crazy when I just wanted to be calm and happy?

It was just the way I was made. Depressed.

What depression is, or what the media says it is, is a 'illness' that you will have for a while, but you will get over it if someone says it will be okay and pats your back.

Depression is really a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. It can stay with you for a long time, and without the right help, you can never get over it.

That's where I was right now.

It feels like I'm sinking down a black hole with no end. I was drowning in my own despair and I couldn't stop the flow of tears covering my cheeks.

Why did I have to be this way. Why couldn't I be okay right now?

Oh wait.

I was never okay. I've always been depressed. Ever since I was a young boy, I felt like I was dying.

I just buried myself deeper every single day.

I was so done, but I actually saw a light a few years ago.

The lights name was Phil.

We talked all night and all day, explaining our interest and why we liked them and I liked him and I wasn't so crazy anymore.

That just leads us to now.

A few hours ago the house was perfectly calm, like it was right now, or at least how calm it was outside of my mind.

Phil's slim fingers carded through my hair carelessly as we watched the screen in the far side of the room, the bright purples and reds reflecting off our faces as all the lights were off. My eyes just wandered intill I was met with Phil's jaw pointed at the screen, and I just kept my eyes there.

Phil looked beautiful from all angles and he was just a piece if art that I couldn't get enough off and he just made me smile so much and his laugh was contagious.

He was perfect, and I wasn't.

Phil caught me looking at him and as the scared little twat I was I stared down, moving my place away from where I was laid against his legs to sit up, the fear and anxiety that I felt running through my veins as I stared away from him, scared to see his reaction.

Phil smiled softly, but moved his hands from my hair to place them in his lap. I shook my head. Stupid stupid stupid. I should have never stared at him.

Phil turned to look at me, a worried expression on his face. His lips were moving fast but I couldn't see them nor hear him as I looked away from him, not wanting to hear how he wanted me to move out and how he never liked me in the first place.

Phil's hand was placed on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes, looking at him.

"I'm not going to hurt you", was the only words I needed to hear before I fell into his arms, my face in the crook of his neck as I let out quick breaths. Phil's hands traced patterns into my back and I calmed down but I was still scared. I was scared of what was to come.

"You can stare at me, Dan. I don't mind", Phil said softly. I nodded, curling my fingers in the hairs that were at the back of his head.

"I-I th-hought yo-u wou-ld be ma-d", I stuttered out, holding onto him tighter.