Clarity

Part 1

I have no idea how to write this, when I write about other things, when I write about characters, or other peoples' problems my mind  becomes clear, and the words just pour out of me, but when I try to write about myself, about my issues, my thoughts become jumbled and incoherent.

I can tell you the simple things:

1. My name is Cailin.

2. I'm 15.

3. I'm an only child.

4. I have a clinical case of automatonophobia.

5. Having automatonophobia basically makes you an outcast when you're a little girl.

6. My family and I have a strong case of insomnia.

7. I am very very very proud of my ancestors.

8. I have a triple barreled last name.

9. That means I have three last names in one, because my mom wanted to keep her last name, and my daddy has a double barreled last name.

10. I love listening to music, I'm really into Bobby Darrin right now.

11. I wish someone would serenade me.

12. I wish that person was here right now.

13. I wish that person wasn't who he is.

14. I'm not saying he isn't sweet, or smart, or amazing, or handsome, or tall, or that he doesn't make me feel loved, or safe, or protected, or wanted, or desired...

15. I just wish that people would stop giving me dirty looks when I say I have a date with my uncle.

16. He's not actually my uncle, he's my daddy's cousin.

17. In my family since he and daddy are part of the same "line of descent" that makes him my uncle.

18. He's almost two years older than I am.

19. I've been wishing he'd ask me out since I was little.

20. I'm glad he FINALLY did, and I'm glad I said yes.

You know, the more I think about the moment I said yes, the more I think of how easy it was, how excited I was, there was no pause or hesitation, at times I felt bad for being in love with him, I tried to push it down, to date other people, I tried to deny the fact that I love him, because I thought he would never return the feelings I felt because I thought he would never treat me the same again, sometimes I'd think of him after he'd spend the day with me, me his 15 year old niece, listening to my problems, taking me out to the park, to the movies, to just spend time together, I always thought it was a product of us both being from a one child family.  He was my uncle, my brother in a way, and my best friend in everyway, and the moment he asked me out, all the doubts flew away, and my mind was clear, I didn't have to worry about being hurt, about what other people might think, the only thing I could think of was WHAT TOOK HIM SO DAMN LONG. 

We have our first date this Saturday, I have no idea what we're doing, but he makes everything special for me, when he carries me on his back, or pushes me on the swings, when he holds me when I'm sad, when he reads to me, when he randomly shows up, walks right in, says hello to my parents, and then drags me out of my room so we can have lunch together, or so we can walk on the beach together, I guess...I had a boyfriend the entire time, I just wish I knew it then.

NOTE: Please don't try to shame or bully me, or hurt me because I'm in love with someone I'm related to, I did not choose to fall in love with him.