9.08.09

Day 01

Soaring.

I was free falling, soaring through the air.

"Elle!"

She yelled to me, and just the sound of her voice had made my heart begin to race, I could feel the blood running through my body beginning to boil underneath my skin.

"Help me!"

She was soaring, too. I reached out my arm, trying to catch her, trying to help her, save her. I reached, all I had caught was air. There was no ground beneath my feet, I felt as if I were clawing through wet cement. We reached for one another, our hands touching, a spark brightening up the darkness.

Then we slipped from one another's fingers, and all I could feel was disappointment.

Strawberries and Sage. I could smell her.

But I couldn't catch her, I couldn't even catch myself.

And then, in that moment, I knew I couldn't live without her.

I sat up with a hard jolt, trying to catch my breath.

"Elle Walker! Wake up! I won't have you being late on the first day of school, not this year!" I could hear my mother's voice calling from downstairs.

My eyes focused on a patch of morning light that was making it's way through my curtains. I could hear the distant drum of a light drizzle against the roof. It must be raining. It must be morning. I have to be in my bed.

My room was hot and damp. Why was my window open?

My head was throbbing. I fell back onto my bed and the dream began again, right where it left off, just as usual. I was safe in my room, in my house.

I stared up at my ceiling, painted the color of the ocean. What was wrong with me? What was wrong with my mind?

I'd been having these dreams for months now. Even thought I can't ever remember all of it, the part I remember is always the same. That girl. The fact that the two of us were falling. I had to hold on, or grab her, but I never managed. If I let go, I felt terrible, something bad was going to happen to her. But that was the problem, I couldn't let go, I couldn't lose her. It was like I was in love with her, but - it wasn't that kind of love. It was more of a friendship, an inseparable bond.

Which seemed crazy to me. She was a girl in a dream and I didn't have friends. I didn't even know what this girl looked like. I had been having the same dream for months, but as it always did - I never saw her face. It was too dark, the spark was too bright. All I knew was that every morning, I'd wake with the same sick feeling it left in the pit of my stomach. She would slip through my fingers and my stomach was wrecked. It was as if I had been on a roller coaster for more than an hour waiting for that big drop to occur.

Butterflies. Worms. Cotton. In my stomach. That's where they resided. It was all a crappy metaphor.

Maybe I was losing it, or maybe I was stressed about starting high school. I didn't know, maybe both. My iPod was on the ground when I glanced down, a song was playing through the earphones, one I didn't recognize.

Truth in Cliché.

What was that? I clicked on it, easing the buds into my ears. The melody was haunting, yet settle for this generation. I couldn't place the voice, the band, but I felt as if I had heard it before.

Hurtful words, from my enemies of the last five years,

What's it like to die alone?

How does it feel when tears freeze?