He lay awake and asked himself questions. Questions he should never have. Questions which were forbidden. Questions which would break his heart. And at the ground of his heart he knew the answer. But he didn't know if he ever could. What if their friendship broke apart? He'd never want that. He fell asleep crying because the two most important whishes of his heart couldn't get along with each other.
4 months later this little stupid wish was still not gone. And it was about to break his heart. He had to do something to save himself. But with the wrong decision his life would never be like it had before. It would either way never be like before. He knew the answer. He had known it for so long. But it hurt. It was impossible to do. But he had to. It just didn't feel right anymore. The fun was almost gone. He only felt the pressure. He felt like he could never be good enough. And it hurt. But it was the bitter truth. He finally made his decision. He would talk to the management tomorrow. For the first time since half a year he fell asleep without to cry.
The next night he layed awake again. He had talked to the management. They had asked him if he was sure. For second he thought about changing his plans, but he couldn't. He had to do it.
The management said they'd organize it. They asked if I wanted to finish the tour. I said no. The longer everything remains the same the longer it hurts. And who knows maybe I wouldn't have the courage to do it then. They also asked if I wanted to tell them myself. As if I ever could. I know I'm breaking their hearts and it's the least I want, but the question is only whose heart will break. Mine or theirs. They said I had at least to tell the boys myself. I don't know how. I don't want to know them why, but they have to. Maybe I should not tell them at all. But it would break their hearts. Because then they'll think I don't trust them. But I do. And I'd die for them. But I think this is a point in life where we should go different ways. I never thought I'd come to this point. But it's here. I hope they'll forgive me. And again I fell asleep crying.
I decided to talk to them after the show. Otherwise they wouldn't do as great as usual. And the fans deserve the best. And that's not me. It hurt to know that this was one of our last concerts. I was about to cry as we sang 'What makes you beautiful'. Our first song. It all started with it. I hope the boys will continue without me. They have to. They can't let our fans down when they need them the most. And they are better people than I am. I know they never would.
When we were back in the hotel I took all my courage and said: 'Guys, I gotta talk with you.' We sat in the living room. They all were curios. Believe me you don't want to know.
'I gotta tell you something.' I couldn't tell them. But I had to.
'Go on.' Louis said eagerly. I can't. It will hurt you.
'I' Should I? I could still go back. But it would break me. This is about to break me to.
'Am going to' I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't want to. Please don't kill me.
'Quit the band.' I was afraid of their reactions. I closed my eyes. I don't want them to be opened ever again. I don't want to see these beloved four faces with hurt, sadness, anger or disbelieve.
'What?' Niall asked. He couldn't trust his ears. I wouldn't trust mine either if any of the boys said this.
'You heard me.' My voice was trembling. I couldn't say it again.
'We knew there was something bothering you, but we'd never...' Liam said.
'But why?' Harry asked. I was afraid of this question. How could I ever explain this.
'It feels right.' I whispered. I didn't want to cry. Not now. I have to be strong for the boys. But it was the late. The tears already fell.
'But it doesn't look like this.' He said. I know Harry. I know.
'Drop it Harry. He knows what is right for him. Trust him.' Liam said. Thanks, bro.
'But I can't believe it.' You are not the only one Harry. We sat there in akward silence. Only my sobbing could be heard. Finally Liam made a move and hugged me. I felt his tears wetting my shoulder. Then Niall and Louis joined us. After some hesistiation Harry joined us too. I knew they were crying.
'I'm sorry.' I said. 'I never wanted to hurt you like this.'
We stood there for about five minutes. It felt like a little eternity. Maybe it was our last one.
'I'm going to bed. I have to think about it.' Harry said and left.
'I'll eat something, anyone wanna join me?' Niall asked.
'I'll come with you.' Lou said. They headed to the kitchen. Now it was only Liam and me.
'Since when do you have this feeling?' He asked.
'Six months.' He nodded.
'But why didn't you tell us something?' He asked. I was afraid of this question. I couldn't answer it right. There were no right words for it. And it would just hurt.
'I just decided last night to do it.' I said.
'A hard decision, isn't it?' He asked. I nodded. Yes, it was hard. Harder that anything else I did in my life.
'But it is necessary.' I nodded again. I'm glad he can understand me. I don't think I could stand the other boys' reactions on my own.
'We knew you weren't comfortable anymore. But we'd never thought...' They knew it. Was it this obvious?
'Same here. I would never have dreamt about it. But I have to. I know it since six months and now I finally did something.' And I'm glad. For the first time since months my heart didn't weigh a tonne.
'But why now? Why did you wait for so long?' I think I can tell him the truth. Or at least a part of it.
'I didn't want to hurt you and the fans. I thought long about it. And I want you and the fans to have the best. And the best is not me. Whether I'm happy or not. But you love me. And I can't believe it, but you do. And I knew I would hurt you. But you'll get over it and it will be better.' I really hope it will get better. It has to.
'Don't you dare to think you are not good enough. You are as perfect as someone can be. And the fans love you for who you are.' I was about to cry again.
'Thanks Li. I can't thank you enough. You are always there when we need someone to talk. You can solve every problem. And I'll be missing that. I'll be missing you. Thank you.'
'That's what friends are there for.' He said. He always thought what he does is normal, but it isn't. It's the best someone can do. And he has to believe it.
'No don't think it's normal. You have to appreciate what you do for us. We thank you too less. Thank you, Li.'
'Thank you, Zaynie.' I have to convince him. He has to believe it.
'Just telling the truth no need to thank.'
'No, it was for all you did for me. Thank you, Zayn.' Please stop, Liam. I don't want to cry again. I had enough tears in the last months.
'Love you.' I said and meant it. I was afraid he wouldn't say it back.
'Love you too.' A stone fell of my heart. I hope we'll stay best friends. I couldn't live without him.
'Can I sleep with you? I don't think I can bear it to sleep alone.'
'Sure, Zaynie. Always.'
'Thanks, Li.'
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. I'm sorry if I made you cry, I almost cried myself while writing this. If you find any mistakes, just tell me. I'm only human. Or maybe I'm a koala. You don't know ;).
Love,
Dreaming girl
Ps: The song is Without you by Chris Brown. I thought of it while writing the dialogue between Zayn and Liam. And even if it doesn't fits perfectly I think it's good to describe the boys' friendship.
