Saving Me [n.h ♥ story]

"Illness, Disorder"

Opening my eyes I saw him again. His eyes bloodshot red. He was looking straight at me with a beer in his hand. He threw it to the floor as it cracked into millions of little pieces right next to me.
"It's your fault right? You know that right little princess? If we would've never had you...." he pointed straight at my face with his index finger "you." He paused. " You fucking little twig. GET OUT OF MY FACE!!" He yelled shoving me towards the floor.
I had now felt the hot tears streaming down my face as I tried to get back up. I knew what he was saying. I was only seven years old at the time, but that didn't stop me from not knowing too much. " You are as stupid as your mother!" he shouted kicking his foot straight into my ribs. The pain hurt like hell.
I looked up to see nothing but anger in his eyes. "What is wrong with you! How could you do that to our daughter!" My mother cried running towards me. Feeling the embrace of her arms wrap around me I saw my eyes began to blur. Looking around I saw my father walk away with exactly no drop of guilt or sorrow flowing through his body.

"NiaNani! Are you okay? Wake up!" I felt 2 hands grip my shoulders.
"No leave me alone! No, NO! You can't do this anymore! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I struggled to get out of his grip.
"It-It's me Niall, just open your eyes....it's just a nightmare" He tried holding me still as I hit his chest continuously. After a couple of seconds I finally managed to open my eyes up. Through my teary eyes I noticed Niall in front staring straight at me with a worried look on his face.

He placed both his hands around my cheeks, wiping the tears that poured down my face.

"I-I'm sorry." Stuttering I looked away from his blue eyes to the floor, embarrassed.
"Are you okay?" Niall questioned leaning in closer. He lifted my chin up making me look into his eyes. Just looking at those blue eyes made my heart skip a beat.
"Yeah, u-um just a bad dream....that's all" I felt his eyes still gaze at me in concern as I turned around to lay back down.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Knowing he knew I wasn't okay I replied,"No I'm fine, seriously. Thanks though" I managed to at least have half of a smile plaster across my face. He nodded and lay back down uncomfortably. I realized he was still confused on what had happened, but I ignored it as I forced myself to fall back asleep.

****

I woke up to the sound of metal clashing towards the floor. I quickly sat up shocked to know what had just happened.
I saw Harry crouch down to pick the pans up from the ground."Oops, I'm sorry NiaNani. I didn't mean to wake you up. Good morning."

I looked around and noticed I was the only one on the floor. Niall was sitting on the couch watching television. He smiled and said "good morning." Rubbing my eyes I asked, "Where is Iri?"
"Oh she is using the restroom" Harry replied.

Niall eyed me curiously. What went right into my head was last night. He had heard me yell knowing I had a bad dream, most likely wondering what was going through my head at the moment. It was noticeable he wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut. I wasn't going to tell him anything about my nightmare.

* * * *

After breakfast at about 2pm Iri and I had gone back to our room. I plopped myself onto the couch and decided to check my twitter. Niall had replied to my post from last night. I clicked on it and saw a photo of me drooling on my pillow. Great. In the description he wrote.

"@♥NiaNani♥ actually I did. How about you? Poor pillow ;)"

He got me back. I should've known. I chuckled at the thought of him actually getting me back. I responded,

" @NiallOfficial Haha nice one. Dont worry there is more to come. :)"

I definitely wasn't going to let us be even, I have to win this.
Of course like usual people started coming to the conclusion that we were dating. It started going all over twitter, not being surprised because it had included Niall Horan from the world's biggest boy band.

It suddenly surprised me that I was acting normal. After hanging out with them for a while I realized that they are just normal boys still trying to live a normal life like us. That's when last night flashed back to me.

I let out a hesitant sigh, "First that in my childhood life, then getting bullied in highschool. What a fucked up life I had back then. Wait..I still do" Laughing nervously, I deeply took in the words I had played in my head. It's funny how only the bad things in the past really stick with you for the rest of your life. It over rules the good things. Looking at the time on my phone it had read 5:45pm. Iri had gone out with Harry to a club, they had been spending a lot of time together. While I was at the hotel being a lazy ass. My phone dinged. I checked and had gotten a text from Niall.

"Oi! Umm so I literally have nothing to do today or the rest of the week. I'm not going home until next week so um if you don't have anything to do right now I was wondering if you wanted to go out to eat or something?"

To be honest I don't have anything exciting either the rest of the week. So why not. I answered back saying,

"Sure why not I have nothing to do either. What time and where at?"

"Yay! I was hoping you would say yes. Anyways that is going to be a surprise :) I'll pick you up by 7:30."

I replied an "okay" and got myself off the couch. Slowly walking to the bathroom I scratched my butt because it itched.

I looked at the mirror and began to despise my flaws. No girl likes a flaw on herself, but unfortunately we all have to live with imperfections. I had bags under my eyes and my nose was slightly red due to the acne. Washing my face I sang to myself, "Rudolf the red nose reindeer! Had a very shiny nose!" Trying to bring my self-esteem a tiny bit up by singing a kids song.

It's just so hard to ignore something you don't like about yourself. It makes you feel worthless and ugly. In highschool I was called fat, ugly, slut, bitch for no damn reason, or atleast I thought. Laughing hysterically I look up and blink away the tears that began to form, feeling a lump in my throat. I finally look down to the floor, the tears won me this time. I let out an aggravated yell and fall back on the wall to the floor bringing my knees to my chest, cupping my face with my hands. I kick my feet on the edge of the bottom of the bathroom sink causing my feet to turn red and most likely bruised afterwards. I weep thinking,
Why am I not normal? Why do I have to be a monster? Someone who just goes crazy not feeling a part of this world?

I've heard of many disorders close to what I'm dealing with. An "illness" is what they call it when you are diagnosed with a disorder. When your diagnosed with and "illness" or "disorder" people automatically think your different and feel sorrow for you, making you feel weak. Thinking something is wrong with your brain, like your psychotic. I don't want that, I'm in denial to actually think of the fact that something is wrong with me.

There is more to come!! :)
~~B