In searching of his soul

The end of the beginning

How do I feel right now? After HE happened, I honestly don't know. I guess I feel broken inside, like my heart has torn into little pieces of unspoken words, unfinished love and tequilla. But the question is why? Why do I feel like that? if until now I wasn't even realising I feel something. I assume that a part of me never agreed with my feelings. That really, really smart side treated him like some story from some summer, and I try to stay on that side because the other...oh, the other...the other part of me treats him like an important human being, it lets him poison my mind, it keeps bulling me with his cute, childish voice, with his freckles that I so adore, whit his smile, which shows up so rare, mostly when he kissed me, with the way he rapped my body in such a wild way that I absolutely loved and hated him at the same time, with the way he felt asleep and held me so tight I could barely breathe...oh, the way he held my hand...How can I not hate that piece of me? How can I not be broken in such a way that I don't even feel the need to cry, or eat, or sleep when my nose only recols the smell of his parfume, that is now running through my body like nicotine on a Monday morning.
And now, that you might have understood how I feel...I'll tell you more about him. I guess you all wonder who he is. Well...he is the guy I had a crush on since my freshman year, tall as fuck, dark hair and green eyes that you get lost in everytime you try to say something. He is Marcus, and he is all I ever craved and run from.
Now, let's take a look in the past. Here I am, on my first day of highschool, walking confidend on the hallways, with a big stupid smile on my face. I enter my new class, I was 20 minutes late (I always am), I didn't know anybody and neither did he so I took a chair and made comfy near him. In the first few days, we barely said "hy" to each other, I felt like he hated me. After 3 or 4 weeks even that hello stopped, I moved with Sarah, the most extrovertit person I ever met, she is so cheerfull, beautiful, and full of life, that it makes you want to discover her imperfections, her fears, but 1 year passed and stil nobody did. And so, we never talked again that year, but with every day that passed I felt like I want to know him deeper, to see behind that "bad guy" that everybody thinks he is, to figure out his soul. Summer started, and I was slowly geting rid of his memory, I promised myself to forget him, at least in the summer time, but one day, as I was standing in my room with a bottle of wine, buried in smoke and lame romance movies, I got a text from him: "Idk if you noticed, but we never actually talked. How about hanging out at the beach, just the two of us tomorrow?". I was blocked, socked, happy and angry, all at the same time, and all that I could say was "ok". And this is how it, this, our story, HIM, began.