Remember When...

Chapter 1

Here we go again, another day that I find myself at Pinegrove. It seems that I am spending more time here than anywhere else. It's quite sad when Tristan or Ava look for me here, when I can't be found, visiting their Dad.

"Mum?" says Ava; bringing me back to realization that I have been all consumed weeding around Daniel's headstone.

"Are you ok?" she asks

"Yes baby girl. I'm fine. Just looking after your Dad," I say wistfully.

Daniel has been gone for 6 months now and I have never had closure. He went for a ride on his Harley one day and simply never came home.

It would have been so much easier on me, for us to have divorced or fallen out of love, but he just....died. There is so much I want to say to him. My need for him overwhelms me at times and I find it difficult to breathe.

"Lets go Mum," says Ava. "Jenna is coming over tonight and Tristan is cooking dinner".

My wonderful best friend, Jenna and my beautiful children, Tristan and Ava are what have kept me going since that fateful day.

"Tris is cooking your favorite," she says, dragging me back to reality. Tristan is a wonderful chef. He dreams of opening his own restaurant one day.

"Ok, can we stop and get some wine to have with dinner please?" I say robotically. It seems that I have become very good at going through the motions.

As we drive closer to home the darkness that envelops me weighs heavily on my mind. Home, this is the house that Daniel and I shared for 27years yet I cant bare to sleep in our bedroom. This is the place we raised our 2 precious children yet I look around and I am growing to hate this place. I think its time to sell and buy something else.

The thought of selling terrifies me. I love this house, no I don't, I HATE this fucking house, no I don't, oh for fuck sake I can't think straight!!!!!

All I know is, I sit here each and every night waiting for Daniel to come home from work, pick me up in his arms and throw me over his shoulder whilst slapping my ass. How I wish he were here to slap me just once more.

As we pull into the driveway, the tears threaten to spill from my eyes, again. I must constantly look like a raccoon. I have become a wiz at applying makeup on the run. I manage to hold them off as I see Tristan in the kitchen, waving his arms around and I can see that he is singing. That boy of mine, how he looks and acts sooo much like his father.

"Mum!!!" he says rushing toward me as I step inside the door. I give him the best smile that I can manage.

"I missed you this afternoon, I came to the university to see if we could get coffee but you had already left," he says smiling but the smile does not reach his eyes.

"Sorry Tris, I left early" I say hoping that Ava would not elaborate as to where she found me. "Can we have coffee tomorrow?"

"Sure" he says softly.

"Tori!!!!!" says my best friend, Jenna as she wraps me in her arms. It is one of the few places I feel safe these days.

Jenna, where do I start? Jenna has been my best friend since high school. We did everything together. She was my maid of honor at my wedding, she is both my kids godmother and she has been my rock since the accident.

Jenna and her husband, Lee, divorced years ago. He never did know how to treat her. From my understanding he is on wife number 4. Jenna never remarried; she is too busy having a good time.

"How is work?" Jenna asks with genuine interest

"It's work" I reply. "I have a great class of students this year. They are so eager to learn"