Purple Hearted

Chapter 2. A Little My Life

My depression started when I was about 10. I never came out of my room, and that's also how I became anorexic. I never ate, never came out of my room. My dad started to get worried about me. Depression got the best of me, I used to be a happy kid and always wanting to do something. Now I have to fake being happy. There's this guy I really like him till I ask him if he can be named his name is... Jeffrey.
 

I really like him he's cute and funny and caring. He's a life guard... A life guard. I had a depression episode and I kept on telling  him I was going to kill myself. Saying I don't want to live anymore. I feel terrible because I don't want him to be scared of me. I don't want him to think. Man this chick is crazy. What did I get myself into. I have a problem where I get attached to people to quick, and that gets me either completely humiliated, or heart shatter, cause they don't feel the same way about me, as I do them.

Depression is bad you are sad all the time. Half the time I just want to sit in bed and do nothing but sleep. I spent half my 6th grade year in my room in the dark all alone. That's right I wasn't even in 6th grade. I cried a lot at school and couldn't focus. The school called child services and they took my brothers and me away from my dad Daniel. The. They figured out that we weren't being abused, we all just had depression, and my brothers hide it better. With me being the youngest they try to control theirs more so it doesn't show and they do, a really good job. Mine is the worst. When I was telling "jeff" that I was going to kill myself. I told him that "I want the pain to stop" when I sad that I was in the motion of cutting myself.

I swore to my brothers that I wouldn't do that anymore. I opened one of my old cuts the one that could have ended my life, the first time and the one that could have ended my life this time. Colours is the silent way i express myself and it's the, better way of doing it. My closet consists of the colours grey, black, white, purple. Those are the main colours you will see and some colour but they are always the dark versions of the colour.

I'm in therapy. I've been in therapy since I was 10 and I'm now 17 so that's a long time. My therapist is not like the ones in the movies where they sit across from you and say "and how does that make you feel" she's awesome. My friends tell me that for a person with depression I'm a really good listener. Im one of those people that talk a LOT, and listen really good. I'm one of those people that say "just know that you can talk to me about anything" because i have probably been through it. Iv been through just about anything... Almost.

I also have OCD so that makes things so much better (sarcastic voice). "Jeff" was cleaning out his closet and attempting to colour coat it and I was telling him that, if I was there it would probably take me like...3 minuets to do it. Just like move a few shirts around, nothing much really. I erase my name a lot in school I erased a hole in my paper one time, my teacher got mad. I count a lot. ( so while I was writing this I was counting each letter.) my food can't touch, my clothes have to be perfect. My shoes OMG don't get me started on my shoes. Those are my rubber babies. Like the converse and the vans.

Boyfriends lets talk about boyfriends. My first boyfriend.
Gabriel? He had bright green eyes had the smoothest hair you could ever touch and the shorted fuse you could ever light, and the easiest buttons to push. Every time I was a tad late for a date he would not talk to me for like a week. One time I didn't answer his call I was in the shower. He came I my house, just to slap me in the face. Another time he was mad at his mom so he took his anger out on me. But for some reason I loved him to much to leave him, because he understood me. Sometimes after he would hit me, he would cry for hours cause he felt so bad. He was really sweet when he wasn't mad.  He had a baby sister he had a father who loved  him, and a mother who hated him. I hated her too she hated me.
When ever I cut myself Gabe would come over and clean me up and just hold me. But then he just slowly faded away he had to leave for school-boarding school. So we had to end it.

Cutting. not a very fun topic to talk about. I cut only because I wanted to see how it felt. I cut because I wanted attention. Then I stopped cutting. Then one day at school some girls in the bathroom were making fun of me and pushing me around. I came home grabbed my dads hunting  knife and just went at my arm. It was the only way to get my anger out, I cut my arm so much  in one spot that in had to get stitches and it wasn't fun. I'm glad that I had the dad I did because he never gave up on me me always was there for me. We were partners in crime. I'm just sad that he can't walk me doe the aisle at my wedding.

Beauty. My dad always told me I was beautiful and I believed him. But when I would look in the mirror and say that to myself all I saw was crap. A girl who was trying to fit in who would never be pretty like the ones at school. I had braces and I wore the school uniforms and the knee high socks. We all did we had to. I was going to through this phase where I had different makeup styles. Got made fun of because of them. I got bullied because of my braces and my glasses can't forget about those.

I was kinda a chubby kid so I got picked on about that to. When I was at home my brother cooper would tall me that I was a great cuddled because. I was chubby and I believed him.

In 7th and 8th grade i was bullied a lot about my hobbies which were no different then everyone's else's. The girly girls bullied me when they found out I made it on the all boys rugby team.  I met this guy named Luke and he became my boyfriend. He was sweet he called me beautiful and protected me. My rest of the year went on quietly and I mainly talked with Luke. But he showed his true colours. He played with my emotions then started physically hurting me. So my dad sent me to a catholic school. You may think that Christian schools it catholic schools are better but they really aren't they are just as bad.

At the catholic school when I was sleeping some of the girls gagged me tied me up pulled me to the tub an turned the water on. Did I mention that I was naked. They humiliated me, embarrassed me. The boys would try to take me for advantage, the girls would call me a whore, slut. Saying I slept with all the boys in the school. Made me knock on a boys room door naked. It was terrible.