RANDOMS THOUGHTS

MONSTERS

Damn it!. I need to write this down. I have to write it so i can keep my sanity intact..

Okay so I am not going to tell you who I am, what I do and why I am writing this. All I know is I have to write it down. I can't keep everything to myself you know.

Monsters....
Everybody have their own ghost, demons and monsters as they call it.
Don't get me wrong because i am not referring to monsters literally. I am referring to the monsters that live inside our head.
Many people would say that they are afraid of their own monsters. The monsters that they themselves created.
I am just like everybody else. I run from my ghost, i have my own demons and I created my own monster.
Fear...
Fear as they say is what you feel when you are facing your own demons. I have them too. Everybody have their own fears.
I do not know how to start telling you about the monster that lives inside my head.. All I know is I am feeding my own monster. I am feeding it with my own soul. In my case I created my monster out of my own negativity in life, fear, anger, hatred, pain, emptiness, envy, selfishness and pride made me create a monster that's slowly eating the goodness inside of me. It feeds on my soul and on what's left inside. I took care of my own monster. I let it grow and I let it took my soul away until little by little I feel nothing but emptiness.
I am still breathing but I feel like I'm dead and the only thing that makes me realize that i am still alive is the pain.
They said I don't understand how it feels like to be alone, to be left out, to be an outcast and to be treated like a crap because It seems like I am having a good life. Who knows maybe they are wrong. I understand how it feels like to feel those kind of emotions the thing is we do not stay at the same boat. We do not have the same experiences. We don't perceive things the same way. Pain is subjective as they say. People will understand that we are hurting but they will never understand the pain we feel itself as they do not feel the same pain we feel. I have my share of agonizing pain and suffering and if you think that life is unfair just because you're hurting right now, well let me tell you this.. you are wrong because each and everyone of us have our own share of suffering.
Just because some of us don't show sadness does not mean they are happy.
Yes... I am one of the people who hides behind their masks but I don't do it to deceive people and cause them pain. I do it to protect myself.
I tried my best to resist my monster but the more I tried to kill it the more it grows inside so I just let it grow. I let it consume whats best of me. I took care of the monster inside me. I let it grow and I kept it. Sometimes it takes control of me but I still call the shots. I manage to control it most of the times not realizing that i'm becoming a monster myself or should I say I am the monster myself. I got too fixated with the negative entities in my life that I forgot how it feels like to live and be happy. I might be able to defeat the monster inside me but I know that at the end of the day i would still have the losing hand for I know that I am turning into one.