It is the afternoon of a Sunday in Anytown, USA. You are a teenager, home alone, hungry, and wish to eat something in the celebration of lunch. What do you do, and how will it all end? If you want the happy ending, then too bad; happy endings do not exist.
I. You are on your couch, relaxed, and wearing something a tad scantily clad considering your gender. There is an itch somewhere on your pubescent, oily, repulsive body, and this skin irritation is not on nor near one an erogenous zone, so you do not hesitate to scratch it. You have a sudden desire to become fatter, but your wallet is too skinny to buy you something, so you must settle for what you can find in your fridge. You scan the contents of your refrigerator, and anywhere food may be hiding as well, finding all the pieces of a puzzle sandwich scattered about. You begin to lap the salty sweat off your knuckles as you flashback to the days of yonder when your parents would make you—eureka! The recipe is formed in your head, and you start to assemble your lunch: bread, mayo, meat, cheese, meat, bread, and a Dr. Pepper on the side. You turn on the television, watch your favorite show, eat your sandwich, and then die at some undisclosed moment in time, presumably with a spouse and two-point-five kids.
II. Your parents have both been gone on their second honeymoon for days, and your emergency fund has been depleted from booze and the phone sex line, so you attempt to look for some loose change inside of your sofa, knowing this excavation of pennies is futile from the start. You manage to muster up one dollar and eighty-nine cents from your couch, or enough to buy a fish and pecan milkshake from your preferred ichthyoidal restaurant. Once there, you hand the cashier a smile and order the value size sea-nut beverage. Because you happen to be rather attractive, the androgynous employee decides to break company policy and give you a smile back. Soon, you realize that you are still too much of an eyesore for the flirtatious cashier to not charge you taxes, and the total for the order rings out to a cool $2.03. You attempt to talk yourself out of this mishap and into a sip of the mouthwatering shake, but to no avail. When you are about to be thrown out of the building, a slave to the deep fryer comes out and yells, “Order number 304, fish and pecan smoothie with extra—“ In the heat of the moment, you grab the drink and run out of the store. When you believe that you are out of sight, you take a sip of your machine spun milkshake, and remember that you are fatally allergic to both fish and pecans. You die shortly after from anaphylaxis.
III. Your parents are, as always, on a business trip. The help is, as not always, away to sort out a problem with the bank that your family owns. It is time for your early mid-afternoon summer wet snack, so you mosey over to the kitchen to find something that meets the criteria. Once you figure out how to open a fridge, you see the works: pastas, veggies, aged cheeses, sauces, meats, breads, fruits, wines, and desserts all fit for royalty. You disappointedly exclaimed that there wasn’t anything to eat, and looked around for something else. Out of everything at your disposal, you find nothing suitable for you to eat, so you impatiently wait for your butler to come back. In a wicked turn of events, he does not come back anytime soon, and you die from starvation.
IV. In the event that you do not take a liking to any of the scenarios presented to you today, suck it up, and make your own. If you have braved another period of hunger and loneliness, then congratulations, you are just one meal closer to your death. This is not to say that you are to consume in a frequent fashion; you will drown faster in your own gluttony from diabetes and obesity, anyways. No, this is saying that whether you mark it in meals, prayers, minutes or memories, you should try to make the most out of each moment of your life. Remember, each heart that stops has to be eaten out, and when you are faced with a plate of such grief, be sure to savor each and every bite, and to chew thoroughly before swallowing. This will make your heart heartier when the time comes for your own flesh to be eaten by someone else; whether it is done in pride, lust, or sloth.
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