How Many Ways To Say "I Love You" - Phan Short Stories

2. Movie Night.

After a long day, filming and editing videos, then talking to the editors of the book and then going out to see some friends, me and Dan had decided to relax. We were just going to sit and watch movies all night, snacking out on pretty much all the foods currently in the fridge and cupboards.

I felt that me and Dan did this most weekends, it was my favourite time with him. I usually sit and watch him watching the video with his big brown eyes lit and his smile glued to his face. It's a nice view.

I've seen him on some of the worst days he's had - mood wise. Sometimes he gets upset and/or angry with the world for numerous reasons. I know sometimes, sometimes he feels lonely. I tell him I'm right here, but he normally just responds saying it isn't enough. He's enough for me. Why can't I be enough for him? He's my best friend and has been for six years.

I love him.

I love his big brown eyes that could light up a room, looking into them makes everything seem okay again.

I love his hugs. He doesn't hug me like he hugs his fans. He wraps his long arms around me and squeezes me and holds me there for a while, as if to tell me he cares about me. Maybe I am enough? Maybe he was just upset.

I love his big goofy smile. Not his fake-I'm on camera-smile. His real smile. The smile I watched in 2009 when he was talking about what he wants to be when he's older, when he sat and played video games for hours, the smile when he answered my first Skype call.

I love his hair. His hobbit hair. When he first wakes without straightening it first. The brown curly wisps that build up on the top of his head. It's like he's a baby that's just growing some hair. It's super cute.

I love him.

"Alright Phil, what movie should we watch first?" He shouts from the kitchen. I'm already in the living room watching Escape To The Country.

"We could watch my Studio Ghibli boxset, so, Howl's moving castle." I said. I loved the film, it's one of my favourites.

"Ok, go put on my moving castle." Dan shouted from the kitchen.

"No Howl's? Ooh I get it. Dan Howell!" I laughed, I was quite slow when it came to understanding his jokes.

"It's not funny if you explain it." He said, entering the living room with a big bowl of popcorn.

"Ooh gimme." I said taking some popcorn and eating it. Salted. My favourite.

"Are you not turning this off?" He said pointing to the TV.

"Wait. I want to see which house they chose. Okay so they live in quite a big house in the city of Birmingham but they want to move to a big house in the country. So there's a huge house but the kitchen was tiny, so the husband complained saying everything was perfect but he couldn't cook in those conditions. So they went to the next house and it wasn't as big but the kitchen was like, half of the downstairs area. BUT there was only one bathroom and they needed two because the sick gran was going to live downstairs so she obviously needs a loo downstairs. And then there was a third, it was perfect in every way for them. Huge kitchen, extra bathroom, even an extra bedroom with storage space! BUT it's like ten grand over their price range." I talk on and on about the episode.

"Only you could make this sound so interesting." He responded. It genuinely was exciting for me.

He leaned back and put his arm round me. Okay? Eventually they picked the perfect house but they had to sell their car to pay for it. How are they going to get down there? It's literally in the middle of fields - no bus stops or anything.

"Ok, now time for my moving castle?" Dan sat up and asked.

"Dan, tell that joke all you like, it isn't getting another laugh from me, it's quite rubbish actually." I responded, sitting up, mirroring him.

"Oh, is that right?" He said, raising one eyebrow.

"That is correct Danny." I stand to get the boxset from the shelves and see the cute picture of the dog licking Dan's face. "We should get a dog."

"Phil, we've had this argument. We can't have pets. The landlord said no and we are far too busy. Neither of us would walk it and it'll be in the flat alone too much" He said, he wasn't angry, maybe just irritated at the argument we've had over 20 times over the past year.

I grab the boxset quickly to end the frustration on Dan's voice. I take out Howl's Moving Castle and then put the boxset back onto the shelf. I climb off the sofa and clamber to the floor, putting the DVD into the player and turning it on. I climb back onto the sofa in hope Dan would put his arm back around me, but he doesn't.

We sit there, watching Howl's Moving Castle. I occasionally look over to see him laughing at the screen, I like his laugh, it brightens my mood a little more. Like I said, he gets angry and upset because he's lonely, he wants a relationship, maybe one day he'll see that he isn't alone. I love him too much. I admire his features, he has curls in his hobbit hair that make him look even more adorable. He glances over at me and I look away quickly.

"Phil?" He said, looking confused and a little sad.

"Dan!" I responded, I hope he didn't see me staring at him.

"I'm sorry." Well that was unexpected.

"um, why?" Now I was the one to be confused. Why would he be apologizing? Maybe the dog thing.

"You're so lovely and I know you're always here for me, and I try to reciprocate it, I really do, I just hate being so alone." He looks like an injured puppy. I don't need a dog when I have a Dan.

"You aren't alone Dan, like you said, I'm ALWAYS here. We'll never be alone as long as we have eachother." I really hope he doesn't say what he usually does.

"It's not enough Phil, I'm sorry but it's the truth. You're my bestfriend and I know that's all you'll ever want to be and I just want to have someone to love me, someone to cuddle up to and.."

"Dan." I interrupt. I'm ready to rant at him about how his friendship is so much more to me but when I see his face I just can't. He's looking up at me due to his sofa slouch and I look into his deep, lonely eyes.

"Yeah?" I've decided. I'm going to do what I've wanted to do since the first time we met, those many many years ago.

And in that moment I put my lips to his, he didn't kiss back. Maybe he was in shock. Oh no, what if I just ruined this friendship, he means so much to me, I cant just let him out of my life. What do I say when I let go of his lips? Then I feel it, his lips hooking my bottom lip. He's kissing back. This came as a huge suprise to me. I release him from my mouth.

"I love YOU, I want to cuddle you, I want to be your bestfriend AND your boyfriend and maybe one day your husband. I've always loved you and I understand if this is too much for you, but it's the truth."

"Oh."