The abuse

I trusted you

I hear the floor creek
Closer and closer toward my bedroom door
I try to stay quiet hiding under the covers
Though I know he will find me

I hope he doesn't hear my heartbeat
Or hear me praying God will protect me tonight
But as I do I start to cry because I know
TONIGHT'S ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS
WHEN GOD JUST DOESN'T HEAR ME

I let out one more sob
And the door swings open
The hallway light shines in
But darkness radiates off him
So strong
He has a smile on his face
Nothing will stop him
I cant even defend myself

He gets on top of me holding me down
As I try to turn away
He pulls me back covering my mouth
I am too scared to breathe

A few weeks pass by
I hear him moaning my name
While stumbling around the house
Closer and closer he is walking toward me

Now he is on my bed
And before he even touches me
I begin to cry as I wonder
Where is God tonight?

This time I fight back
I yell
I cry
But he has ways to shut me up.
I do everything I can to loosen his grip
He's hurting me so bad but will not let me go
NO
He will not let me go
Not until he is finished

He leaves me lying there
To think of what I have lost
"I'm sorry" is not enough
He doesn't even realize what it has cost

Another few weeks pass by
The shame keeps getting worse
Too afraid to tell
Though its so hard to hide this pain
Day after day

I must have been bad that night
I hear him coming closer as I'm lying on the floor
Lord I would do anything
If you would keep him from walking through that door

But he does
I finally realize I am all alone
No one to protect me
No one who can save me...
So I lie back down to take it
But he throws me on the bed
And makes me relive my worst fears
When I just want to be dead

I don't want to kill myself
I just want to die
God, why have you abandoned me?
Can you not see the tears I cry?

I will hurt myself later
After you have hurt me
This blood that stains the sheets
Tangled up on my bed
Reminds me of the words
The images you have put inside my head

I can still feel you touching me, grabbing me
Forcing my body closer to yours
The feeling of your cold fingers all over me
I constantly try to wash away
From my scarred skin

Since that first night
I live my life in fear
You are the reason I love too easily
Why I cannot love at all.
Because I trusted you
I can no longer trust

The pain I hold inside
You will never know
They will never understand
That my scars don't even begin to show...