drunk texting 》s.w.

09

"Well i miss you Ari i miss you so much." Sam started.

I shook my head, "I miss you too its just we're too complex for eachother. I love you Sammy i really really love you, but we always fight, breakup, get back together, fight. It just shouldn't be that way."

He hugged me, "we can find a way-"
"No." I cut him off and he released me.
"Sammy I'm cutting you out of my life I need someone who will support me and be loyal to our relationship."
"I do support you, and i am loyal."
"You weren't supportive the time I wanted to go to Dartmouth, and you weren't loyal cheating on me all those times!"
"You're the one who made that decision! And i did not cheat!"
"So sleeping with other people isn't cheating! Leave! Now!"
"Please Ella."
"Go!"

He left and slammed the door. I went back to my room, "sorry Em!" I called to her. She walked into my room and sat next to me on my bed, "you okay?"
I nodded, "I'm just tired."
"You sure you don't want to talk?" I nodded.
She left and I stood up and started pulling my hair out pacing around my room.

I really need him, I really really need him.

No! No! I don't need him! He isn't right for me!
But i love him so much...

I couldn't make up my mind my head was spinning and I couldn't handle it.

How could only one person make me feel so much? And so many different feelings at that. I plopped onto my bed on my stomach and burried my face into my pillow. I started crying rivers. What's wrong with me? I shouldn't have told him those things! I should've stayed inside of his arms. I don't care anymore if he did cheat on me. I love him too much, i messed it up though. I grabbed my car keys and drove to 7 Eleven. I grabbed a bottle of whiskey; the biggest bottle they had. I went up to the lady at the counter and ask for a pack of cigarettes. She put it on the counter and scanned the whiskey and the cigarettes. She told me the price but i didn't hear her i didn't hear anything i just gave her my card. I was drowning in my own thoughts, "you alright?" I heard i nodded. Behind the lady was a little mirror i saw my face stained with tears and mascara. My hair was in a bun but right now it looked like a bird's nest.
"I know what your going trough, did he walk away?" her voice sounded far away, and echoey even though she was standing right in front of me. It's like the pain was making my senses impaired. I felt so empty.

She had dark brown hair and grey eyes, she looked in her late twenties.

"I told him to leave." I whispered.

"Don't try nothing stupid. You have a life ahead of you." She said and lifted her sleeve to show me scars, i nodded. I grabbed my things and left.

Once i got home i checked the time 7:54AM.

I walked into the restroom and turned on the faucet for the bathtub. I made sure it was warm for my body and stripped down. I first stuck my right foot in then my left. I sat down and rested my back against the bathtub wall. I reached down on the floor and grabbed the box of cigarettes, i took one out and lit it. I put it in between my lips and inhaled. I felt an instant relief, but it didn't last. It never lasts.

I used to smoke all the time in highschool, i stopped when i met Sammy, he said he didn't like the smell of tobacco on me. He said that it was bad for me and he didn't want anything to happen to me. I listened i listened to everything he said. But when we broke up i picked up my bad habits again, like smoking and drinking and cutting. I occasionally took drugs like coke, or xanax to numb me. But i overdosed and Sammy saved me, we got back together after that, and that kept happening us fighting but eventually getting back together.

I picked up the whiskey that was next to the cigarettes and opened the bottle i put it to my mouth and drank, and drank, and drank until it was halfway gone. I put it back on the tile. I went down under the water and stayed there and started counting,

77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 8-

I cut off my thinking when i needed to breathe but i didn't budge i wanted to stay underneath the water i wanted to drown. I didn't care for my life anymore.