1/7/15
I honestly don't know what to do with my life anymore I am slowly falling apart once again .I have been getting so depressed and sad and tarring myself up over stupid shit that doesn't even matter anymore ... I have lost so many things in my life already and I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore . Self harming has honestly been one of my answer when I break down and finally have had enough I feel like that's the only solution . I don't know what's so wrong with me and why I can't be someone better than who I am . I am such a failure and a disappointment to so many people . I'm so sorry that I let people down and I'm sorry that I can't be better . I try but I fail ...that's what failures do . I just don't understand anymore my life is a living hell and it just keeps burning lower and lower everyday and I honestly don't know how much more I can take .
4/15/17
My life is literally falling apart. I cry so many tears at night, I don't know what to do with myself. I am completely falling apart and no one seems to notice and if they do they don't care. School is hell on top of working all the time. I try not to think about all my problems, but they keep me awake all night long. I'm really tired of being here right now, contemplating suicide on the daily is hard. I hate myself so much. My parents make me feel like shit. I literally have no friends. People hurt me, they manipulate me and use me. I'M SO FUCKING VULNERABLE. Why hasn't anyone seen all my cries for help....It's not that I want to end my life because I'm weak. Well maybe I am, how selfish of me to think this way. I have tried to open up to so many people. Why do they think I'm joking or things really aren't this bad? I'm trying my best, but my best will never be enough. I can't go to think about how many suicide notes I have written. I am tired. I am hurting. To be loved, Or not loved enough. Who really knows? Life really sucks. Nobody notices me unless I try to show I WANT HELP. I always say yeah, I'm okay just sick again. Meaning I'm hurting so much right now I can't explain how I really feel. You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you're so upset that you feel sick? That awful feeling that you can't make go away no matter how hard you try. I feel like that all the time. Nothing really gets better, things getting better is for fantasy, and fantasies aren't real. That nice word I said earlier, Vulnerable. I can't find another word to describe myself any better. Vulnerable means susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. Do you know how many times I have physically fucked myself up? A lot, but who would ever know? Do you know how many times I have wanted to end my life because of all this pain I am feeling. Pain is a strong word. Many people deal with all types of it. Why ha vent I given up yet? I cant really answer this myself. Every time I get closer, but something makes me stop. I'm sick.....
