Normally, a lot of people will like to share some information about themselves when they start ahh...some type of journal, diary, autobiography, "blogish" type of book. As you can see, the only information about myself that I have shared with you, my dear readers, is in fact, my two nicknames since all time combined: "orangefirefly". Why is that?
To be honest when I was younger I used to be bullied with those names. I was called "orange" because I was round, I was fat. And the other nickname "firefly" was for a very long period of time my surname on my facebook profile which I made when I was in fifth grade. Sure, it was insulting and annoying at first but after a while you get used to it. Now I don't find those nicknames disturbing at all, in fact, I came up to the conclusion that they define who I am the best. To answer your unasked question, yes, I am still fat therefore I am still an orange but I do shine like fireflies in the dark. What does that even mean?
It means I am a very kind person. I know it so I'm not going to be modest about it (been once), after all, I love being in the center of attention, being in control of everything. Which actually doesn't sound so kind right? Let me explain. I'm a very nice person. Trust me, I'm not lying nor am I pretending to be someone else, I truly am a nice person. But why was I even considered that in the first place?
I helped a lot of people. I was, I am and most probably I will be still a person you can lean on. That's right folks. I was always the second person. Always the right hand of our class president, always the one who would be giving advice but never got credit for it, always the second option for most of my friends when they found someone better and always, but always, the one who was supposed to be there under any circumstances. Now, don't get me wrong, I love being that person, I got some pretty good advantages from my position plus I'm more of an observant and talker type of person rather than a "make a move" one. However, there are times when you get tired of it and you want to start a life that revolves around you only. You concentrate finally, on your career, you have opinions about what you like and you don't FOR YOU, you start getting more and more skillful at different types of hobbies; you meet and chat with people who you think they have the potential of giving you a pleasant idea, who you have something to discuss about. So you simply forget, you forget you have to be there for some people, you forget you're old friends who may have not stand up to your intelligence or potential of doing things. You get angry when they call you and ask for you or about you, when they want your opinion on what they should do or when they only want you to be there and listen because you're the only person who actually never left. YOU GET ANGRY BECAUSE THEY CARE.
Although you feel guilty for not answering their phone calls and not carrying enough anymore because now you have standars and expectations from the people you hang around with. I'm sorry. I truly am sorry. I shed so many tears for that reason that is almost heartbreaking but they were never my people. I was their breath of fresh air, I was the solution to every doubt, every problem, to every stupid idea. I was there to protect them from everything; I was their most understanding parent. And there are no words to describe how thankful I am for those feelings that I got when they achieved what they were aspiring for. I truly felt like a protector, like a hero, like a parent. I am thankful for every single person that shared their story with me (some of them heart shattering even), for their trust and for their love, for the respect they had for me, for the support and for their true feelings. But...even with all of that, they weren't my people and I knew from the very first moment. I was their rock but they could never be mine. And I shall still be their shoulder to cry on but never expect me to do the same. I chose my people wisely and careful with time and passion. Passion is such a weird word to describe a way of choosing people, isn't it?
Honestly, I have been lazy all my life but passion was the only thing that got me going in the first place. I am the type of person that if they don't love what they are doing, it just doesn't work for me. In order for me to do something that is spectacular, amazing even, I HAVE TO LOVE IT! And I have to love it from the bottom of my heart. Funny fact: I loved being around people (not that I don't anymore). It was always easier to learn from others than to actually do it yourself. No, I didn't tried to steal anyone's work, if that's what you're thinking. It's just how I learned to deal with things when I was younger since everyone was too busy to show me how things actually work out. As I was saying, people fascinated me. I grew up around older people and I am guessing, this is one of the main reasons why on a Saturday night I am standing on my bed and writing this chapter instead of going out with my friends. Huh, a lot of the folks out there say you rarely find a person this days who will stay inside for once reading a book or doing something useful rather than going out and doing drugs, drinking alcohol and hooking up with strangers. Sincerely, I don't have anything against these activities. I'm not going to lie some of them are done even by myself but I just don't find the point in over doing some stuff. You just lose the pleasure that comes along the way; you know what I'm saying?! Of course, unless we are talking about things you love unconditionally. But like me there are so many and they don't get enough credit for it. So here you go friends, "BRAVO FOR DOING NORMAL STUFF ON A SATURDAY NIGHT!!" you truly have all my respect. So where were we?
Oh, passion, yes! Passion is a powerful word. Such as love, hate, truth, lies etc. It is a word who describes best a love for a certain thing or hobby or even an object. Why is that? Well, most of the time we use the phrase "I have a passion for..." which means you feel a certain kind of love for it, acceptance truly, you are comfortable doing it and simply feel like no one could ever steal it from you, like there is nothing comparable to it. It is your way out and that's why you do it with passion, because it saves you from turning into a victim of your own mind. It warms your soul and you feel good.
To be honest, my only passion now is to succeed, in any shape or form. It doesn't even have to be for something specific. If I win, I couldn't be happier. I have become so obsessed with fame and succeeding, I think I nearly lost my old self. The one who was quiet, understanding, guilty of everything has now turned into a selfish, only thinking about myself, narcissistic and most importantly arrogant persona that I could never imagine about. Sometimes I ask myself if I was this person all along. Sure, I was always afraid to fall but I never thought I will even get the chance to meet this part of my soul that I never knew, it even existed. I have turned into a stranger, a stranger I do not willingly want to know.
As in for now, if I am now a different person as I was in the past...then who will I be in the future?
This question never leaves my mind. It's stressing me out sometimes, honestly. I don't think I've changed at all, I just think I am having a different attitude towards different people. So to say, I strongly believe I am who I am supposed to be at the right time. Because everything has a time for itself, right?!I just hope my eyes will open and see the answer to everything because most probably it's under my nose like all the time. But as long as I have my passion of doing things, I will remain the same, right?! Remember folks, you control the mind. Don't let the mind control you!
Stay Strong,
orangefirefly
A/N Hi there. I know you must be confused as f*** but this is just therapeutic writing. Although, I would like to hear some feedback from you guys. You know, about my conceptions and ideas. Also, I am sorry for my bad grammar, english is not my main language and I know that's not an excuse but I am still learning. Please leave a comment. I am looking forward to your opinions. :)
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Novela JuvenilA/N This book is a container full of secret thoughts and feelings. It is a therapeutic way of expressing myself and relieving off some stress. It doesn't exist because oh well, "I've decided I want to be a writer". Trust me, you'll be very surprise...
