I Can I be trusted? Can I trust anyone? How can I find the time? I always put it of until I have more time, but when the time comes, I still don't have the time. I once had the time, and I used it well. The only thing is, when you create a machine, you still have upkeep.
I've never told anyone the whole story. But if you asked me another time, I'd tell you I have told people the whole story. I haven't though.
I've only told the words. I've never told them the feelings. When I tell the story, it sounds hallow to even myself; incomplete. But how can I tell them in words, when all that was there was raw emotions?
Those raw emotions that ravaged my soul were almost the last ones that were ever there. When I had realized how much power emotions can have over someone, I acted on impulse. I didn't think. I immediately shut them up in a cage that is unbreakable- to the point that I can't even get anything out.
I've tried. Oh trust me I've tried. I've spent countless nights trying to get something out of myself. The scared, cornered animal part of me won't allow anything to come out, not even things like crushes, excitement, and sometimes happiness and enjoyment.
Some of the only times, I've realized, that I actually feel, is when I break. The pressure is too much and I cant bear it anymore. And the other times is surprisingly when I'm on a roller coaster, conquering my fears.
Sometimes I like to sit back and just watch people go by. So full of emotions, so beautiful, so free of shackles. Other times I rush onward, daring and careless. It is those times that others view me as a optimistic, and outgoing individual. I'd love to be that person all the time- I crave to, but it's too much. I feel as it I'm lying to myself. This is not you, I tell myself. The real you is cowering in that corner over there. The real you is a back stabbing bitch that lashes out and can't have anything happen to her without breaking or being overwhelmed.
When that little voice inside of me speaks out louder than the rest of me, it is when I break. It is when I feel as if I can't go on. That I'm a complete waste, and it would be better if I wasn't there. Now, I promise you I'm not suicidal, as odd as it sounds, I love life; I love the ecperience and love watching all of the variables come together and create a masterpiece and goes on everyday.
If I ever have time to just sit and think, I think of how amazing everything is- how far we've come and how much we take for granted. I'm not going to go all "God is the answer!" you, but realy, take a moment and think of everything.
We have come from looking under rocks and pebbles for some small scaps of food, to having too much to eat and having leftovers. Even as far as people taking more than they need, causing them to become obtuse and as weird as it seems to me, become unable to fight.
Through my eyes, the world is full of fights and games. I also have to ability to step back and look at everything from a third person. Someone with no feelings, can be swayed either way. When having conversations, my mind has a nasty habit to think of who is winning, and who isn't.
I'll hopefully be able to continue this, because I have a great deal of enjoyment doing it, but I'm afraid my family will see it and take me to counciling. Be back soon!
