A Small Show of Magic

Marvin the Magnificent

Hi Mr. Detective. So, I must tell you that there are two people in this world: magicians and those that hunt them. That's it. Well, there are also the lost souls like you. The ones who have no idea what I'm talking about. So I guess that's three types of people...if you're being specific.

I don't really care. A job is just a way to pay the bills after all.

So, where do I begin. Ah, yes. Well, my name is Matthew Sturgis III, MHL (Magician Hunter's License), President of ERMC (Eradicate Real Magic Club), etc.. But, if that's too long, you can call me Marvin the Magnificent.

It's my stage name. I love birthday parties, but I'll entertain your fourth grade class in a pinch.

Oh, I'm a magician by the way. What was that? Oh, well I guess I can see how it's a little confusing. Perhaps I should explain.

I'm not a real magician. I go undercover as a street artist to hunt real magicians.

Yes Detective, what was it? McShane? Okay, got it. Yes Detective McShane, real magicians do exists, you know, the ones that do real magic.

No, I'm not crazy.

Yes, I'm sure. My brother had me tested. He was trying to steal to steal my inheritance.

No, we don't really speak anymore.

Anyway, the night in question was just a usual gig. I was on the tail of a notorious teenage magic-person. His name is Brian the Unknown (his last name is Papadoplkdfakdf, or whatever, so I just call him the Unknown). He's a really nuisance. Detective McShane, actually, do you mind if I call you Mike?

No, that's not your real name?

Ok. I guess Detective McShane will have to do.

Well, back to Brian. He's a terrible, terrible nuisance. He likes to prank people. Not the acceptable, kid pranks, like hiding a whoopie cushion or putting a stapler in jello. He does the bad stuff. The last magician hunting him was magically glued to a bus seat.

Brian didn't even let him keep his pants. Oh, you're familiar with the case. Capital.

Mike, sorry, Detective McShane, you're mistaken. I insist you reopen the case; Mr. Hengler was on his meds that day, so it can't possible be his fault. Honestly, I think you are just discriminatory against mentally ill people. Maybe I should start a lawsuit.

Oh, Detective, you're listening now? Good. Now that I have your full attention, I must point out that law enforcement people don't have a great track record catching real magicians; they just slip through the system. That's where I come in. My initiative, the Eradicate Real Magic Club, tracks down these blighters and strip them of their powers (usually, we've had a few problems in that department). We've successfully caught over five real magic-people to date.

It's a real public service, I agree.

Yes, so Brian. As the president of the ERMC, I take the difficult assignments myself. Why thank you, detective. I think it's noble of me too.

I had tracked the target (see, I can use professional people-catching vocab too) to a local high school. But, he's so popular, I couldn't get near him.

I was quite literally at the end of my magic handkerchief rope. Drastic actions were called for.

I went after his sister. She's eleven, a sweet little thing. Is she a "magic-person" too? Well, unfortunately, it's too early to tell. I'm sure she isn't; Alicia, that's her name, is such a darling. She has this adorable puff of dark hair and such cunning blue eyes; no, siree, there's not a drop of magic in her blood.

Ah, her brother. Right, so I, the consummate professional, offered little Alicia's teacher a reduced price magic show. She thought it was a wonderful idea; those little angels of hers had just finished a round with the Evil Testing Serpent. I must admit that we both thought some non-educational fun was in order.

The day was June 3, 2015. The kids were a pleasure, the teacher enjoyed her two hour nap in the theatre and I had got to put my considerable illusion skills to the test.

And, best of all, my trap worked perfectly. Brian the Unknown had, as was his practice, agreed to chaperone. I thought he might like the chance to pit his unholy magic-person powers against my fabulous illusionist background.

I'll admit, the first half of the show didn't go quite exactly as planned. I'd invited Brian the Evil Prankster onstage so I could keep an eye on him. He thought he was just a lucky a volunteer.

My problem is that I underestimated his powers, just a teeny bit. He's actually a seven on the one to ten evil magic scale. I had him down as a two. But, what to do, what to do.

The arrogant bastard started by ruining my juggling trick; my pies exploded in my face when I tried to catch them.

Are you sure you're all right, Detective McShane? You seem to have been overcome by a horrible fit of coughing. You're a blessed man, sir, my coughs aren't underlined with chuckles.

Anyway, Brian then smashed my good china plates against the wall.

(sniffling) I'm sorry, I just get so emotional when I think about it. He broke my mother's plates.... (pulls a three foot long, multicolored handkerchief out of a buttonhole to dry his eyes). I'm all right now.

Not only did he destroy my valuable heirlooms, but one of the shards caught me on the forehead. Your sergeant wouldn't let me file a complaint, by the way, but you seem to be a much more understanding man, so I'm sure that you'll take care of it.

I know it seems like a little scratch now. But, it bled so horribly when it happened. I was, I was quite distraught.

I decided that there was no time for my fire-swords trick. It was time for action. And, with a criminal so dangerous as Brian the Unknown, I had to use drastic measures. I decided that my shishkabob machine was called for.

What's a shishkabob machine? It's my own design (rummages in overflowing bag before spreading a wrinkled map on the table). Here it is. On the outside, it's just like one of those illusion tricks that let you pretend to stick swords through people. Mine's just a teensy, weensy, bit different; the swords actually work in mine.

Is it painful?

I'm not sure actually. The one person that I used it on disappeared, magically I might not, before I could see.

Yes, I'm talking about Brian the Bastard.

So, I got him inside the sword box and everything was going perfectly until I started the shishkabob part. Then the magic-person infidel disappeared! Into thin air! It was a class C violation! Then he appeared at the back of the theater and ran! He even kidnapped his sister!

(rolls eyes) Of course, I'm sure that it was a kidnapping; no innocent child would want to go anywhere with that cruel magic-person.

Yes, I think I just said that, Detective McShane, I tried to kill Brian the Unknown. But, obviously, to both our misery, I'm sure, he escaped unharmed.

Wait? Why are you handcuffing me? Who would care that I can call a lawyer? Why would you ever use what I say against me in court?

Haha, very funny. You can't arrest ME, I'm the president of the ERMC! No, I don't want to leave this room, it's much safer that the rest of the police station.

THERE HE IS! THAT'S BRIAN THE UNKNOWN! SOMEONE GRAB HIM! NOOOOO! YOU'RE LETTING HIM GET AWAY!!!

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