Silent Wishes

Alone

Finally. I think to myself as I collapse onto my bed. Home sweet...

"Get your ass down here young lady!" I can hear my dad scream from downstairs.

First off, I'm not a fucking lady. Second, I haven't done anything aside from sit in my room for the past few weeks. What did I do to set you off this time dad? I think to myself and I roll of the bed and make my way towards my door. I look at my reflection in the mirror that hangs on the back of the door and I cringe at what I see.

Most people look at me and comment on how they see a thin, beautiful body. All I can see is how disgusting I am. My legs are too chubby. My stomach isn't flat enough. My arms are too thick. And if they ever saw... I glide my fingers across my jeans on the upper thigh remembering the last time, 13 days previous. At least they stopped itching.
As I open the door I get an idea. "I'm going to take a shower first Dad!" I yell down the stairs. "It was long walk home today and I feel gross."

"Fine, but hurry up." He mumbled as he turns back to the TV to watch his hunting show.

I go back in my room, grabbing my towel and my makeup box. Running to the bathroom, I close and lock the door behind me in fear of my parents, or god forbid my brothers, walking in on me. I could never risk them seeing the horrors of my body. And if they saw all of the scars that covered my thighs, stomach and wrists... I couldn't handle the emotional stress if it ever happened.

I quickly take my shirt off and slowly look down at my chest. I take the deepest breath I could and slowly exhale while I start the painful process of taking off the ace bandage wrapped around my breasts. I let the end fall onto the ground as I quickly unwind it.

Taking a deep breath with my now freed chest, I start running the bath water and open my makeup box. I pull out many unused items; eyeshadow, mascara, lipstick, eyeliner; until I get to a small black tube on the bottom. It blends in quite well with the eyeliner pens, so nobody would question it if they saw it.

I take another shaky breath, the anticipation is rising and I can feel it in my chest. Closing my eyes, I focus on the little voice in the back of my head.

Hurry up.

Do it.

Coward.

You'll never amount to anything.

Screw up.

They were right. You don't belong here.

Feeling the tears form in my eyes I unscrew the cap and tip the contents onto the counter. Shaking, I grab the slim object and start to enter the bathtub. Despite the warmth of the water, I submerge myself until only the upper half of my chest and head are out of the water.

When I look into the water I notice a slight trickle of red coming from my hand. Shit. I release my grip on the silver as I place it on the edge of the tub. I quickly put my head under the water to feel the heat, but I can't stand it so I go back up for air.

You can do it.

Sighing I grab the silver razor, one I took apart a new shaving razor head to get, and I stare at it for a second before placing the tip on my thigh.

Without thinking I glide it across, welcoming the sting of a shallow wound. Quickly, I do it again. And again. The tears start falling from my eyes. I don't stop myself as the thought of going deeper becomes a reality.

Running out of space on both thighs, I move to my wrist. Before I do it, I pause. I adjust the direction of the blade so it goes down my wrist instead of across. I scream at the top of my lungs before digging the blade into my skin. Switching hands, I fumble to make a clean cut on the opposite arm.
My hands become unsteady and the blade falls into the water.
Looking at the water, I become satisfied. I can see the blood oozing into the bath from my thighs. My vision starts to fade, but very slowly.

I hear my father trying to open the door, but he can't because I locked it.
My arms fall into the water, which makes it turn blood red.

I finally did it.

The door bursts open and my dad turns the corner, only to freeze in his tracks.
My vision is almost completely black, but I can feel him gripping the sides of my face, sobbing.

"Why?" He asks.

I have no energy left, but I'm able to mumble "To make you proud of me..."
My vision goes black and my body is limp.

I succeeded.

Finally. Home Sweet Home.