Gambling It All

Chapter Nineteen

Dixie burst from the darkened bedroom and immediately turned towards the kitchen, but upon hearing the raucous laughter of the party still in full swing, made a U turn and headed towards the back door of the house.

She needed air, and not an interrogation.

Now.

She wrenched open the back door as quietly as she could and slid out into the night, gulping in huge gasps of air as she bolted away from the light of the house and into the dark, heading for the barn, hoping no one would see her hasty retreat. She swiped at her cheeks, feeling tears sliding down them despite her best efforts to be stoic. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure no one could see her, even as she continued to wipe her cheeks.

Fuck Nicky Gamble, she thought darkly... he wasn't worth her tears.

But she knew, deep down, that he probably was.

So how had they gone from snuggling on the bed and having a little breakthrough of the "I like you, do you like me, check yes or no" variety to fighting about whether or not they were even compatible emotionally.

Ugh!

Dixie quickened her pace, still wiping her cheeks, and then yanking open the barn door and scuttling inside, closing it behind her.

She found a stack of hay bales nearby and sat down gratefully, the warmth and smell of the hay and animals inside immediately soothing to her frazzled nerves.

Seriously, she thought again, composing herself mentally. How did they go from his rescuing her from the teasing of the party to lying together in the dark to suddenly fighting and then blowing each other off before giving the other a chance?

And why couldn't she admit he'd been right about a few things about her?

She was too stubborn to let just anyone into her life, too full of pride to let anyone see her vulnerable, and no matter what Nicky might have thought, of their relationship, she knew Javier wasn't the second coming.

He was fun, sure, charming and handsome, and loved to spoil her but he was just that... fun. They certainly weren't locked in some sort of emotional tug of war, they weren't in it for the long haul, and Dixie knew that they both knew that.

True, she wasn't ready for the abrupt end to their relationship, instead expecting it would run its course eventually, down the road...

But with Nicky...

Dixie had to admit to herself that over the past few weeks with Javier, she had really, really enjoyed the racing life on the road, cheering for the riders, the fun of the 'circus', but she had come to crave the quiet of the Wyoming west, and of the family – related and not - that the Gambles had assembled in this corner of the world. She had even fleetingly thought how much she would like it to be Nicky – not Javier – she was spending time with, was getting to know, was cheering for and kissing in Victory Lane then coming home to share time with.

She would never admit that to anyone, but it was the truth, and she finally thought she should admit it to herself.

She liked Nicky – of course she did – so why couldn't they seem to get on the same page?

She realized with the wisdom of hindsight that their fight just now was a fight of fear – Dixie really did fear rejection, and Nicky really did fear being abandoned.

God, they were both damaged goods, she thought idly.

Figures. The guy she ends up liking the most is damaged, just like her.

She was scared. There it was: she was scared.

She couldn't help but think back to her breakup – well, her dumping – by Chris a few years ago. They had been together for so long, for years, but after the... incident that changed the course of her life, and of their future, he had dumped her.