Hey Guys, Chloe here!
Today, I'm not going to update because I've got a shit load of things jammed into my mind. Those things are actually the reason I'm typing this explanation.
Well, first off. This year I am going to be a freshman in high school. Which is usually a good thing but in my mind it's the end of my world and childhood. The reason I think these things is because I have extreme anxiety problems, causing me to over-think things to the point where I second guess myself and end up crying.
Yes, I know. Some people say "What the Hell? You're only 14. You're just going through puberty." or "I know how you feel, I'm stressed a lot too!". These people don't get that I have been going through this type of shit for 5 years now and it's not just because 13-15 are the worst years for a young girl. These people also don't understand this isn't normal stress for me.
It has literally gotten to the point where I am staying up for 3-4 days straight without sleep just panicking and thinking about all of the things I've fucked up in my life or how I'm not going anywhere in life and that I'm never going to get married because of my imperfections. So basically, I have existential crises for long periods of time.
It has also gotten to the point where I try to hide these things from people especially my best friends because I think that I'm being an annoying oppressed anxiety filled twit who complains everyday about how I'm having an anxiety attack. So when then ask, "Hey, What's up?" I could be crying my eyes out, scratching at my skin, shaking violently and I will still say "Nothing, watching Netflix. What about you?"
I mean, at 3 in the morning today I was literally staring at the ceiling thinking about how life is nothingness. Of course, I've never actually tried anything over the top extreme but that's what flows through my head at night and it really gets me thinking even more about things.
I would tell my parents but how am I supposed to tell them something like this? Just go up to them like "Hey mom! Hey dad! I just thought I would inform you on how I sit up all night thinking about how life is literally nothingness and how I'm a failure". No, I can't do that.
Plus, my mom is one of those people that are just like, "You're fine. Suck it up." one moment and then the next she's all caring...
So yeah.
I love you guys and thank you for listening to my annoying vent...
You're amazing.
<3
