6 months ago my mother passed away. I can't explain in words what I feel. Mostly emptiness and numbness and that no one understand what I feel. NO words can make me feel a little better. Nothing can ease my pain. I stopped sleeping, yes of course I do get some sleep but it's light and broken and full of nightmares and confusion. I sleep 2 and 3 hours at different times of the day. No day and no night.
Sometimes, when I wake up I want to call my mom. Other times I wake up disoriented and wish my mom could hold me. And then I cry.
My neck - I could not turn my neck left for 3 months. I went to the doctor and she said most likely it's a psychological muscle tension due to my mom's death. I bite my lips when I am stressed a lot, my bad anxiety habit. My lips are bloody most of the time. I stopped brushing my teeth regularly.
I do have beautiful friends, but a lot of them are far away. One of my best friends lives in Ukraine, and another best friend lives in Florida. Also it's very difficult to be the downer all the time. My mom has cancer, she is in pain, I am crying, and how can I save her. I think about death non-stop. Lots of people are speechless; they don't know what to say to me. What do you say to cancer, to death, to fear?
Will everything be ok? No it won't.
I went to a psychologist after my mom died. I told my psychologist, that I started preparing for my own death, and that I feel I am next. I told my psychotherapist that sometimes I wonder how will I be buried when I die, and that perhaps I will be thrown in a common grave. On which she replied that I should start putting aside money for my own funeral. I tried to clarify this few times, to make sure I heard it correctly and to see if the therapist was sorry to have said such a mean thing to someone who is grieving. But each time she stated that she thought I was afraid to be buried in a common grave and she was trying to help me to be prepared for such an event. So nice of her! Also she said that she never felt suicidal in her life because she always wanted to climb up. That statement made me feel inadequate and misunderstood in my grief. Even in therapy I could not find solace. Do therapists have souls?
I tried another psychologist after the first one, but she was doing stretches during our therapy for her body and rarely looked me in the eyes, except sometimes to my telling her my story she would roll her eyes. And that made me feel confused and sad. I felt once again misunderstood.
Who are these therapists in New York City? People who lack compassion and empathy and ability to really listen and hear a patient should not be in psychology field. Very sad that people get diplomas and degrees and are not good at it but instead they are missing a big heart and they are cruel to a patient who sits in a chair holding on to a straw of hope. And they just hit you with a brick with their insensitive cold pragmatic comments.
They don't care about your suffering, they don't care about you, whether you live or die, or survive, or whether you climb up or not. They sit in that therapist chair and feel on top. They don't share their failures with you - their hopes and their dreams. They are not vulnerable to your judgment of them. And yet they judge you, sometimes very ruthlessly. And they use their power over you to hurt you even more sometimes. My last therapist told me that if I want to change my life I should join the Church or Greenpeace, and after that she rolled her eyes again.
Who gave her the right to roll her eyes on me, who gave her the right to stretch during my therapy? I did. I was so desperate for help and warmth. Therapists are there to help the desperate and lost people. They are there to give you a hand when you are in the bottomless pit. You - who has no hope. You - who is on the bottom. And yet even they don't care about your pain. Are we really all on our own sink or swim?
I asked my therapist: " Would you tell your daughter or granddaughter to start saving for their own funeral?"
She said she would.
I highly doubt it!
