"I'm Fine" and the Other White Lies I Told (Supernatural Fanfic)

Noelle--3

The next day, the three of us sit in the Impala, jamming out to Black Sabbath. Dean shouts the lyrics at the top of his lungs and hits the steering wheel to the beat as I strum an imaginary guitar.

I try my best to lose myself in the music, but somehow my mind keeps wandering to the magically disappearing coffee. How could I be in the kitchen one moment and in the library the next? Maybe I've just been really absent-minded.

After I reassure myself that it was nothing, I push the thoughts deep down and try to engage in conversation. I reach over the front seats and turn the music down.

"Hey, El," Dean says softly, "You alright?"

I nod silently. "I...uh..." Now, my mind is filled with the recurring dream, no, nightmare. Memories of the event that tore my life apart just days ago. "just wanted to talk."

"What about?" Sam inquires, waiting patiently for me to continue.

"I hadn't quite figured that out yet." I decide to be blunt and at least tell them part of the truth.

"Well, if you're worried about the hunt, don't be," Dean supplies, "You've done this plenty of times. Enough that you shouldn't worry. It's always hard, the first hunt after...you know."

"Uh, thanks, Dean," I say, regretting ever trying to do this. I turn the music back up, loud enough that it might actually take my mind off things.

We crash at a motel, hours later and try to sleep. Within minutes, I hear Dean snoring next to me, an arm around my waist. I lay on my side and listen to Sam toss and turn in the other bed for almost ten minutes, before he too is still and deep in the land of sleep. Dean rolls over beside me, his back pressing against mine.

I sit up, eyes wide open, realizing I won't be going to sleep anytime soon. I am too afraid to sleep for I have a feeling I know what I will dream of.

Slowly, I push back the covers and stand up. I creep as silently as an ant around the beds and open the door, leaving it cracked open behind me.
I walk in my socks around the side of the motel where I lean against the two story building. I sink down to the grass and pull my knees to my chest, burrowing my face into my knees.

A tear slips down my face and off my nose. I watch it fall onto a blade of grass and slide down to the earth. I sniff and watch as the single drop is followed by another and another.

The tears only make me dwell on all my problems and soon they are streaming down my face, leaving sticky residue down my cheeks. I begin to gasp for breath and sob uncontrollably. I look up to the starry sky and wonder if I should just end it all.

Sam and Dean would be better off without me moping around and bringing them down. I sniff and wipe away the tears welling up in my eyes.

No, I could never do that to them. Dean tells me he loves me and he never would if he didn't mean it.

I sigh heavily and stare at the horizon, waiting for the sun to rise.

Finally, when my eyes begin to droop, the darkness has lightened enough for the sun to be up in a few hours. I push myself up and pad softly back into the motel room. I click the door closed behind me and am reassured by the boys' heavy snoring.

I step into the bathroom and inspect myself in the mirror. I nearly jump at my puffy red eyes and tear streaked face. I splash my face with water and look back to the mirror. No good. Putting my hair in a ponytail, I start the shower.

After the sleepyheads have finally woken up and eaten breakfast, Dean drops Sam off at the police department and drives to the forest where the men were found. He parks on the roadside and opens the trunk to load his duffel bag with guns and knives, three of which have been soaked in lamb's blood. He hands me a knife and a shotgun, which I slide into my waistband. He swings the green duffel bag over his shoulder and points in the direction we should go.