Sweetness

Meaning

"David, Lottie isn't ready. You can't just expect her to come out of a breakdown and go straight back into the world! It doesn't work like that..."
"Mr. Killiner to you thank you, sir. Mavis-Rose has done this over and over again. What makes this any different, huh?"
"Mr. Killiner, my apologies but you don't understand what it takes to actually..."
"Don't you dare tell me that I don't understand how she feels, how her anxiety attacks are unknown to anyone else but her! I have been down that road, sir, and it is not pretty, is it not pleasant and it is more painful when having to get up the next morning for work and to get your child ready for school when she isn't even ready herself! Listen Seamus, I know these feelings..."
"But you don't Dave... Your experience is completely different to Mavs'. These things happen for different reasons and happen because of different tri1ggers. Not everyone is the same."
"God damn it Dom, don't gang up on me with this misfit! You know what I think of him and his brother!" The voices fade and clanking of objects is heard through the whole house.

Someone is stomping up the stairs. The voices are unfamiliar, am I drugged? Nothing sounds like this unless I'm under morphine. I can't be back at the hospital. Please no. I need to get out of here if I am.

I start ripping at my wrists, trying to feel for the cool drip and the heavy medical tags. Nothing's there. I keep fighting to find them but nothing is coming up. I can't open my eyes, I can't wake up to reality. Please be a dream, oh please be a dream. I'm cold. I'm lost. I'm tired. Take me home, somebody take me home. Seamus, Seamus will help me. "Seamus..." I can only whisper and it hurts. No fluids. What happened? "Seamus" I try louder but everything is so sore. Now fighting against my fatigued systems I hear a loud crashing. The footsteps stopped and the door is crushed against the wall. Eyes open and the lights are blinding, covering my eyes to the lights and the figure gliding towards me. Sturdy hands grip my anorexic and fragile fingers, a trust felt like nothing before is bound upon our touch and I know nothing of anyone in front of me.

"Lott? Calm down. Lottie! I'm here. Stop moving!" I'm still shuddering and jerking to try and claw myself to freedom from these clinical bounds
"Get off me!" I scream, finally getting my voice back
"Lottie, it's Seamus! Calm down, I've got you. I've got you" he places a hand on my right wrist, making it burn and another hand on my temple. Bringing his lips to my forehead. Surprisingly I drift into a calm state at his touch
"Which hospital now?" I ask, obviously struggling
"Hospital? Lott, you're in your bed with the curtains drawn. You had an anxiety attack at the school and I drove you home and carried you to bed. It was a more serious one this time..." sadness and caution fill his voice. I still can't open my eyes but I can tell he has those big brown to the window, his favourite place to look to for words.

"Dom was home and let me in, your Dad was at work but he came home as I was telling Dom what happened at school. You were shaking for a few hours and scratching at your wrists, it wasn't until Dom told me about your legs and that was when I realised you were reaching for your thighs. So I had to cut your jeans and tended to the cuts. You made a real cluster of it this time Lottie... What happened?" his ice cold tone sends shivers through my skin and the stinging is too much for me not to ignore. I hate it when he has this tone. He doesn't use it often but when he does, that's when his bite is worse than his bark.

Pushing myself up onto my knees so I'm at the same level of Seamus, he's tall enough to make you feel belittled and intimidated - even when you're sitting down. I don't enjoy explaining myself to anyone and don't want to explain myself to him but my temper is flaring and nothing stops my temper...

"Do I need a reason to feel like shit and do whatever the fuck my mind wants to do to my body? You know I've got my own problems, like you did! You know exactly what this is like and you shouldn't have to ask me 'What happened Lottie?' you know exactly what happened! I got a blade and cut into my leg a few times, and you know what? It felt great! The adrenaline felt like when you jump into the ocean and the salt water just glides over your body, you just feel refreshed and free. Well that's what it felt like when I pushed the blade into my skin!" I'm huffing and puffing and feel like I'm going to blow the house down. I've somehow stood up on my bed and am towering over a beautiful, blank faced, young man who has the biggest brown eyes that break down the strongest of people... like he just did to me.

Next thing I know; Seamus has his hands behind my knees, pulls me towards him so I'm straddling his waist, both our breaths are in time and that's with my heart racing. I wrap my legs around him and cling to him for my life, he holds tighter and we both start shuddering with regret, shock, pain and a love lost. One of his sturdy arms hold me under my thighs and the other is around my ribs but his arm reaches up to my neck holding my head in the crook of his neck. His curly hair, although rustic still tickles my face as I breathe in deeply. I can feel my hair drop between my chest and his eyes - his eyelashes flutter against my hair which is just strong enough feel. I don't know what I'd do without Seamus. No one puts up with me the way he does, not even Totti.

After what feels like hours, Seamus sits at the end of my bed which he has obviously cleaned so he could fit me into my bed. He's tidied up my whole room as I look around. Clothes have been taken off the floor and I'm guessing he put them into my chest of drawers or wardrobe. I realise that I'm still only in my underwear, singlet and bandage which has also been renewed. Seamus is my saviour. We still hold onto each other for our lives, if we let go we'd lose each other forever. I value these times... I may create them with an outburst of frustration and pain but I know Seamus values them too.

"Mavis-Rose, I'm back!" shit, it's Dad. Why now? I almost kissed Seamus! Great timing. We hear Dad walking around the house and opening the laundry door, like clockwork he goes from the laundry to the kitchen, opens the back door, and yells out to Dom then closes the door behind him and walks out to Dom's shed for beer and banter about today's events. I hold Seamus closer knowing what he's going to say.

"I should go, your Dad didn't exactly like that I brought you home in my 'shag mobile' as he so kindly put it" he chuckles ever so sweetly and it makes me smile
"I don't want you to go, forget about Dad just stay with me Seamus"
"If I don't go now, your Dad will physically kick me out. He's like Batman!" Seamus has always been scared of my Dad, he may be a bit intimidating but nothing that bad I didn't think...
"Lottie, you know I need to go but I promise you; I will come back tonight and redo your bandage" he places his hand over the bandages, I flinch because it still stings but I know it will heal. Especially with Seamus with me.

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@covers_101 made the cover, thank you!