In Another Life

The end

Stage four Cancer.

You believe that you won't be one of the unfortunate creatures of the world that suffer from a terminal illness. You hope that, even if you do, it won't be painful. The aches, the pain; all of that should be alleviated, relieved or removed with cures and medicines. But... that still doesn't exist... at least not at this time. So many years of technological and medical advancement and still nothing.

It's unbelievable. It's inaudible, the words that flowed out of his mouth as though he were reciting a tiresome and sad poem. He apologized various times but I couldn't comprehend any of it. I had always been healthy until recently. I did all the right things. But there I sat, zoning in and out as my primary care doctor continued to read the medical report on my biopsy. It's as though you're there but since you don't want to be, your mind, your inner-self tries to escape the scene of dismay. The shock would somehow hold it back from completely leaving and sometimes yank it back inside giving you those moments of 'This is real... this is not real...' A tug of a war of realization and disbelief, so to speak.

"Mrs. Barnett," My vacant eyes slowly made their way up to his. He tried to search deep into my vacant light brown eyes to show me his sympathy but I couldn't have cared less, "Mrs. Barnett, I understand you are in a catatonic state at the moment but I want you to know that we will fight this how ever possible, only if you are willing." His tone wavered from concern to a strange uncertain confidence. 'Only if I'm willing...'

"Yes... Of course..." The words were weakly muttered as the daze continued to overwhelm my senses. He continued to speak of the next steps but I was still in mental pieces. After various minutes of will-less nodding to his suggestions and advice, he handed me my medical report along with brochures and other unnecessary pages full of medical information about what the future was to be for me. 

The doctor stood up and I mirrored. His hands reached over his desk, which was covered in disorganized items and pages that for once didn't annoy me, and took my hands kindly into his and apologized once more before sending me off to wander into what would be the end of my life.

Lost in my thoughts, I had made my way to my car, unlocking the door with a touch of my fingers. What does a sixty-three-year-old woman like me have to live for anyway? I'm past my prime nowadays and have experienced what most people do in a lifetime: marry, travel, own a home, have kids, watch them grow and have their own.

"Start," the engine immediately turned on as I found myself somehow sitting in the driver's seat. I looked at the useless rearview mirror and swept away strands of dark gray hair from my wrinkled face. The GPS hologram screen took my attention away as it lit up before me.

"Please state your destination." I scoffed at its question, my mind only thinking of a pessimistic response,

"Isn't it obvious? The cemetery... because I'm going to die."