The Awkward Iguana

                                                                            ___Introduction___

Hi, my name is Phil Mickelson. Not to be mistaken for the golfer. I have lived in Lincoln, Nebraska for thirteen years now, and I think I'm about ready to move. If I move anywhere in the country, it would most likely be Denver, Colorado. I don't know why, it just seems like a cool state. Just saying the name makes me want to be there now. Colorado.

Lately I have been very lonely. So lonely, that I drew a face on my pillow. Anyways, I was reading the newspaper about a week ago, and I found an ad for a pet store. I got an amazing idea after I read the paper. I was going to get a pet.

                                   ___I Buy A Friend___

So today, after work, I drove straight to the pet store. When I got there, I had a feeling that they were closed because nobody was there. So I went back to the car and a man came out of the building and said, "May I help you?" "Yes, please. I thought you were closed because nobody was here." I said. "Oh, it's okay. That's why we ran our ad in the paper." The man said. He then escorted me into the building. "Welcome to Petsapalooza. I am Barry, and I will be showing you around today." Barry said. 

"What kind of pet are you looking for today, sir?" said Barry. "To be honest with you, I don't know. I just had the urge to get a pet." I responded. "Well that is a-okay sir.  We have a large variety of pets from dogs, all the way to dodo birds." said Barry, almost as if he were telling the truth. "You have dodo birds! I thought those things went extinct thousands of years ago." I said. I probably sounded like a kid finding out that his lost bunny, snowball, actually got ran over. "Oh no sir, they are not alive. We found the remains of one and had it stuffed. It's pretty cool too. We also have snipes." said Barry. "What! I thought those were a myth! I need to read start reading non-fiction books." I said, idiotically. "Sir, I'm joking. There are no such thing as snipes." said Barry. "Can you please show me the pets now? I have a tight schedule. I have an hour for this and I don't want to waist any time." I said, unimpatiently. "I'm sorry sir. Right this way. Over here we have our dogs. A wide variety of sizes. Over here, our normal house cats, such as ragdolls, sphinxes, and other cats. Over here, we have our bunnies and rabbits, which are our most sold pets." he said. "What's the difference?" I asked. "Bunnies' ears are droopy, and rabbits' ears are perky. Anyways, back to business. In this section of the store, is our bird section. Where we have woodpeckers, cardinals, blue jays, and pheasants. And last but definitely not least, our iguanas and our chameleons."

"Okay sir, that is all we have, so where would you like to start?" he asked. I hesitated, but finally, I made up my mind. "I think I would like to start here. Could you show me the chameleons?" "Yes I could. Right this way please. This one's name is Harry," he said. "Why is his name Harry? He doesn't have any hair." I asked. I looked at the chameleon closer and realized that he had a scar on his forehead. "Oh, okay I get why you named him Harry. You named him after Harry Potter." "You are an intelligent man. You should be a detective." He said sarcastically. "Nah, what else ya got?" I said impatiently, looking at my watch simultaniously. "Right here we have JB. A couple of years ago, he was the test subject of a science experiment that had gone wrong, and now he won't stop growing hair. And I'm pretty sure I've seen him flip it before." he said. "Not a chance. What else?" I said, growing even more impatient by the minute. "We have two more. This one's name is Fred." said Barry. "Let me guess, someone taught him how to speak, and now he uses a high-pitched voice whenever he speaks?" I said. "Yes." he said. " Than no." I said, still trying to figure out why anybody might even think about buying one of those last two. "Okay, this is our last one. His name is Phil." "That's my name!" I said.

"We don't have any specific reason that we named him this, we just thought he looked like a Phil." said Barry. "He looks, well, different from the others." I said. I looked at Barry. When I turned away he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Don't talk about his appearance around him. It makes him feel bad." I looked at him again and realized he looks like a human on his hands and knees going cross-eyed.