Gray Zones

Intro

   It's 3:18 AM and I'm on my last cigarette. My heaving breaths instantly turn to a white veil in a agonizingly beautiful reminder of the frozen January that has enveloped the city. I see the snowy smoke in the air, in stark contrast to the relative darkness in my lungs. I've sparked a dozen flames today and I'm not stopping now. The nicotine has me thinking about the old days that seem like memories in a scrapbook now, when I didn't have to rely on temporary highs to feel like I was on Everest. Back in the days sitting next to the Christmas tree with my family not worried if twenty heads would be ten the next year. Up in arms, but only in friendly ones wanting to carry me. The sweet smell of pine cones and the gingerbread house a bitter reminder of the situation I am in now. If I had that gingerbread house, I would contemplate taking off that vacant sign. What price would I have to pay to rent back a few seconds of Katelyn? No one knows. The thing between my lips is a good calming sensation, but the old thoughts in my head keep my mind off of things better. If I ever feel the pain again, I can go back to my thoughts and think some more about things I should have thought of a long time ago. I will never figure it all out, I just out figure things. And tonight, there is no escape from my emotions. In a few seconds, I'm no longer faded, mind back to the way it was, blood pumping hard in my brain. And it drives me insane. So now my boys found me behind this old convenience store, and I can only agree to hop in the car and maybe do the thing I would regret for the rest of my life. The gray zones can be the worst sometimes. The zone between nicotine and nothing. And that gray zone from being between good and a hood. Well. I guess my gray zones are what I need to figure out. But not now. Not now because I have to tell you why we are driving up to a gray house with the engine roaring in the car, and why I have a long night ahead of me.