Who am I?

Is this it? The last straw?

"I am THIS close to kicking you out RIGHT now!" my mother holds up a couple fingers close together for visual effect.

I gape at her in surprise, hurt making the tears gather in my eyes as I try to defend myself.

"But...I haven't even done anything!"

"That's EXACTLY my point! You never DO anything! You sit around all day doing NOTHING to help! It's a chore to get you to do ANYTHING around here! I have to do everything all by myself!"

She screams right back in my face. That's the last straw SHE'S the one who sits on her lazy ass all day or makes herself sick when it comes to cleaning days so that me and my siblings have to work on cleaning the house ourselves. And even then, I'M the one who actually cleans! The other two just sit there and argue over every little thing, pissing everyone off.

"I do stuff! A lot more than you seem to notice!" I hiss back at her, her eyes widen and she raises her hand. Oops, I've pushed too far apparently...

*SMACK*

I close my eyes moments before I feel a stinging blow whip across my cheek.  I've bitten partway through my lip until It's bleeding, trying desperately not to cry in front of her, it'll just make things worse.

"Do NOT yell at me!" she screeches

"I am not yelling." I raise my voice a tiny bit to keep it from quavering.

She grips me by my hair and drags me to the kitchen.

"Do the dishes. All of them. Now. And give me your phone, You're grounded until further notice."

I hand over my phone after tearing her hand off of my head.

"Stop pulling my hair!"

God Lana, stop asking for more trouble...

She finally leaves with a glare and a few final scathing words I don't listen to as I stand there, watching the sink fill with water and trying not to cry, repeat to myself.

"It's not worth it. SHE'S not worth the tears. Stop crying. Stop being a baby, 6 more months and you can be gone and just spend your senior year and half of your junior year at someone's house. 6 more months and you'll be 18 and she can't bother you. 6 more months and she can't hurt you. 6 more months..."

The tears flow freely anyways, obstructing my vision as I start on the dishes (There are a lot and most of them are nasty and moldy)

I guess this is what I get for ruining her life...Maybe she should have aborted me when she had the chance. It's clear that she loves my half siblings more than she does me. They give her worse attitude and they get off easy. I ALWAYS get the blame, even if I didn't do it! She actually TRIES her hardest to go to their school activities like concerts and plays and stuff. Also to their camp family dinner nights in the summer. As for me? Before I can even tell her the exact dates it's "Oh, I don't think we'll have the gas to go all the way across town, maybe the next concert we will." Bullshit. Jade and Alex's school is farther into town than my school!

I already know that she doesn't care or understand that I'm depressed and anxious...She doesn't know how bad I've gotten. After watching her come down, after seeing her rip the hair out of her head (literally) saying how she doesn't want to live anymore. I've been affected as well. I thought about killing myself so many times. Now is another one of those times. She doesn't care. I have no real friends. The one maybe two friends I do have, hate each other and make that VERY well known. They won't miss me for long...They have other friends. Ones that fit in better...Ones who aren't fat, or stupid, or annoying. Ones that don't feel like me. Like dying...

No one could love me anyways. I shut people out, keep them at arms length. There's no one that I can talk to. Music used to be my escape. Books used to be my escape. But I don't feel anything when I hear music anymore. I don't have the time or the inclination to make the effort of reading and immersing myself into an adventure. My life is 50 shades of fucked up at home. I am an unnoticed wallflower at school. I only have a boyfriend through an app and he lives on the freaking East Coast! (I believe) Plus we don't even talk that much anymore. I'm that boring.. I could curl up into a ball in the middle of nowhere and disappear. And no one would give a flying fuck...Now I have one last question...stay or leave? Perhaps stay and be called strong, or ignored. Perhaps leave, like everyone has done to me...

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Hey Y'all,

I hope you liked what you read. (If not, I'm sorry) I'm pretty horrible with punctuation and I apologize for that. This chapter is a mix of how I've been feeling lately as well as some past experiences, and some present...but some is a bit overly dramatized. (although, not by much...)

Please comment and tell me what you think of this story. I think everything I write in"Who am I?" Is going to have some sort of connection to my life so I may not consistently update and I may not always have happy chapters for you. But in the end this is for me. If you don't like it. Fine. Piss off.

The names in here for me and people I know have been changed so that no one gets hurt directly, In case anyone knows my real identity (Oh god, I hope not..)   So the characters are based off of real people...

School starts for me soon and so I may or may not have time to write, but I will write whenever I get the chance. Thank you for reading and I hope you continue with me on my journey to discovering myself.

OH! And one final thing, if anyone would like to know me a bit better, try  DMing me through my Instagram at  Sleepy.pandas   It's a bit hard to remember and I'll let you know if I decide to change that name.  Don't be afraid to talk to me at ANY time. I'm always ready to lend a helping hand.

Ciao for now

~Misty (still not my real name)