Grey

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This fanfic was written by Valinde (Valyria) oh Ao3.

Carry On

Linebreak line break line break line b-

When Dean's dad is especially drunk he sometimes talks about his mom.

It's nostalgic, heartbroken rambling that doesn't make much sense to a child, but it's the only time Dean can ask about her and maybe get an answer.

They're in a motel in Falls City, Nebraska. Dean knows because he reads out the names on the map to his dad when he's driving. Some of the names are hard to say, but Dean's getting better. Yesterday they'd driven from Salina, Kansas. They'd had lunch in Topeka. His dad had said he wasn't hungry. He'd sipped black coffee as Dean and Sam ate their sandwiches.

Sammy is asleep on the big bed in the middle of the room. They'd had fried chicken for dinner and he'd fallen asleep right after. Dean's allowed to stay up much later though. His dad lets him watch whatever movie is on TV and help clean the guns or pack more salt rounds.

John Winchester is drinking whiskey from a chipped coffee mug at the little table. Dean knows not to try and talk to his dad when he's drinking straight from a bottle. The small motel mug is a sign that it's okay though - that he's not going to start yelling, or worse, crying. Dean hates it when his dad cries. It's way worse than when Sammy cries. Mostly that's just annoying because Sam's a little kid and he cries all the time. Dean waits a little while though, scenting his dad carefully to make sure there's no a hint of salt under the warm leather-woodgrain-gasoline smell that adds up to 'dad' in his head.

When he's sure it's okay, he comes a little closer. His dad looks down at him, smiles a little and ruffles his hair. "Hey kiddo."

"Dad?" Dean asks. "How'd you know when you met mom? That she was your truemate?"

He's been wondering. The kids at the schools he's never at very long talk about mates a lot. He and Sammy had been at a school in Wichita up till a few days ago and there'd been a girl in Dean's class who'd followed him around at recess and said she was Dean's mate. She was pretty and she'd shared her lunch with him, but she'd been kinda boring. She'd just wanted to sit around instead of playing with the other kids out on the field. Dean didn't think he wanted her for a mate, but she smiled a lot and she smelled like flowers and her mom packed really good lunches. Homemade chocolate squares, PB & J sandwiches, slim jims and Cheetos. He felt a little guilty that he didn't say goodbye to her, but he's pretty sure they aren't actually mates, that there's more to it than just telling someone.

"I saw your mom standing in her parent's yard," his dad says quietly. "I was driving past and I just happened to look out the window."

Dean nods to show he's listening.

"First thing I noticed was yellow. The sun was behind your momma and her hair was lit up all gold. I stopped the car and walked over to her. She was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen and she looked right back at me like she was thinking the exact thing."

His dad falls silent, staring into the bottom of his mug. "You'll know the second, the instant you lay eyes on them Dean. The world lights up and there's all these colors..."

Dean knows about colors. He's never seen them of course, but he's learned the names in class. He knows trees are green and the sky is blue.

His dad sighs and it's one of the big sad ones and Dean worries that he misjudged the whiskey thing, that he's gonna cry. "When I lost her I lost them too. Colors. S'all grey now." His dad looks hard at Dean. Real hard. "Sometimes though, you look so much like your momma Dean, I can see green again." He clears his throat and looks away, out the dark window towards the car parked outside. "You got her eyes."

Later when his dad is sleeping, Sammy curled up beside him, Dean drags a chair into the cramped motel bathroom and carefully climbs up onto it.

He stares into his eyes in the mirror and wonders what green looks like.

There is never any question that he'll be an alpha.

He's tall, like his dad. Broad shouldered and strong. His favorite class is gym and he likes to spent recess playing whatever sport the kids like to play at their current school. He's nothing like the meek little boys and girls that everyone just knows are gonna be omegas. And he doesn't fit in around the boring kids that are gonna grow up to be betas. They all just wanna study and crap.

When older boys, alphas who've popped their knots, give him shit, try to test him, the only urges Dean feels are violent. He breaks noses. Blackens eyes. Doesn't let anyone get away with giving him or his little brother grief.

As he gets older it's the pretty girls that distract that him during class. Constantly moving from school to school, there's an endless parade of them. Betas. Omegas. Short skirts and lipgloss. Soft sighs and giggles. Dean figures out how to smile at them just right and get them to blush. He likes the beta girls more than the omegas. They don't smell so sickly sweet and they're better kissers. Eager. Daring. Don't expect courting gifts and dinners with their daddies like the omega girls do. The omega boys don't interest Dean at all. His dad says that's normal, that plenty of alphas don't go after bitches.

He loses his virginity at 15 to a beta with dark hair and pale eyes who smells like oranges and cut-grass in the back of the Impala. She tells him her eyes are blue.

Dean wonders what blue looks like.

When he goes into heat at 16, he assumes it's a rut and for the first day he's overjoyed. He's finally a man, no longer a child. An equal to his dad. An alpha.

Sam tells him he reeks and that he's gross but Dean doesn't care, he's too excited.

Then his dad comes back to their hotel room and just looks at him.

Something cold coils up in Dean's stomach, twists around, makes him feel sick.

John takes Sam and leaves Dean alone in the room for a week. He isn't allowed to leave or talk to anyone. The room reeks of salt and sugar. He feels sick, like he's got the worst flu and ate bad diner food all at once. He's hot, he's cold and he's throwing up until his sides ache. Worst of all is the warm trickle of slick between his thighs. He wipes it away but more keeps seeping out, keeps him wet like a girl for days on end. It's disgusting and he can't stop crying.

Dean realizes there are worse things than being a kid. He's a man grown now, sure, but he'll never be John's equal.

He's an omega