stars shine brightest in room 93 (halren/halsren/lausey?)

prologue

tune: stars-the xx

I tiptoe down the hardwood floor of my hallway, eager to escape from my brothers loud snoring. He sleeps in the next room over, but the walls are so thin, I can hear him loud and clear.

During the day, and some rougher nights I can hear my parents vigorous arguing from the door to my left. When I pass my sisters room to go to the bathroom, I can hear crying. It's soft and faint, but I can still hear it and no six-year-old girl should be crying so much, especially over something so serious.

I sometimes go in and try to talk to her, but there's not much I can do. I'm only eleven and I can't control my parents fighting. I wish I could, but I can't.

I wish I could fly, or live in the sky like a star. I wish I could be a star. I wish Taylor and Chris and I could all be stars, and Mami could be the Sun and Daddy could be the moon. We could all work together and live in harmony, unlike now.

Chris wouldn't always be so drowsy from his medicine, and Taylor wouldn't always cry. Mami wouldn't always look sick and have black circles under her eyes and Daddy wouldn't always be so angry. I could invite Lucy and Erica over without being interrupted by the yelling and they could be stars too. But it's all just wishful thinking, and I've given up on wishes.

With deep thoughts gently caressing my head, I continue to walk until I reach the back porch. I like being on the porch at night because the stars are out and there's no light to block them. You can see them bright and clear.

There's something about the night that captivates me. Whether it be it's tranquilizing beauty or invigorating chill, it still traps me within itself like a cocoon woven for the most beautiful butterfly. The light that the moon casts down is something different. The sun feeds into something contrasting once it goes down. Something darker but still luminous and the act of the sun sharing itself results in a light show for the gods.

The late night air is a safe haven for me. It's where I can finally live amongst a solitary moment in time. I can listen to my own heartbeat. I can hear myself breathe. I can know myself, be in touch with myself. It's for me and only me. It's not for Daddy's screaming or Mami's numbing dismissal. It's not for Taylor's crying, it's not even for mine. It's for my hydration; my nourishment. The moon does it for me. The stars do too.

It's funny because I can imagine that Chris doesn't feel the same. He always spoke about night and darkness like he dreaded it because he did and still does.

He would stay up not by choice but because his mind forced him to. He would speak about being alone like a burden. He would tell me how thankful he was to finally sleep. He would tell me about how he would lie still in the dark. How his lava lamp would cast an eerie glare across his closed eyelids. He would tell me how much he hated the night and how much it hated him. He would tell me how he always had so much to say and no one to say it to, because everyone was asleep, and how he wouldn't have dared to wake anybody up to help clear his mind, because he didn't want to steal away the sacred rest he wished he could've received.

I continue to gaze until I hear a gasp and stare wide-eyed in its direction. The gasp had come from a girl probably not much older or younger than I. She seems quite small, but couldn't be younger than nine or ten. She looks scared. Of me, I could assume. But, she's on my porch so, shouldn't I be the scared one?

"Who are you?" I ask, my eyes still protruding from my head. I can't think of anything else to say but that, and I don't think I need to. This was my time to be alone. It was my time to be with myself. It was my time to think for myself; my time to think about myself. And it may sound selfish but I never have anything for me. Not even my own mind.