Who am I?

Practicality

I am a realist... Or so I say. Realistically one can say that love doesn't exist and that people only claim to be in love for their own personal benefit, for their own selfish reasons. A lot of the stuff I write is really mean or just without attachment. I have found that I am getting very good at turning off my emotions and that is worrying me. Partially because I'm not as worried as I should be. In the world we live in, nothing is guaranteed. So why get attached when you know it won't last? That is the practical way of looking at it. The less painful way. Now the human way of looking at it should be more like creating more relationships to make life more beautiful and enjoying the time before it has to end. The truth is I don't want to look back on my life and regret anything, but that won't happen, it's just not practical.

Someday I'm going to do something stupid and it's going to affect my future. I'm going to regret it. I don't know, I feel like I'm full of contradictions. I don't want to fall in love but I want to find my Prince Charming. I want to experience the good and bad in life but I don't want to get hurt. In the future I want to always be there for my kids but I don't want to lose my independence. I want a boyfriend but I enjoy being single. My goal for the immediate future is to take hard classes all through high school and do well in them. It's to do extracurricular so like track and clubs and cultural events and have fun. It's to get into a good college and get a good job. It's to stand on my own two feet and not depend on anyone. It's to save up money and get married and start a family.

I enjoy all that stuff but at some point all but one of those things become an obligation. I love cultural activities, they make me happy all the time, thinking about them, planning for them, participating in them. This is one of , if not the only thing I continually find my happiness in. But it does not build my future. For the first time in my life I'm not doing well in school. I don't know how to react to it. So I've gotten thinking. I used to be so confused with what I wanted to do in my life, I mean I had the previously mentioned vague plan laid out since the beginning but I mean as a career I had no idea. I love philosophy and history and the arts, but I'm not talented enough to make money off any of those...or so I thought.

I figured I would get some well paying job and just do what I love on the side, I mean that's what everyone does right? That's practical. But now I think I should care less what others think and go to a liberal arts college. I might only end up making 60k a year but that enough for me, I don't need riches, I never even wanted them, I just wanted security. This sounds kinda mean because I know that there are some people that make much less than that in this country, and 60k is probably riches to them, but for me that will be less than I am used to. It sound contradicting because I just said it doesn't mattered to me, but I know how I have lived since I was born, I've never left the middle class category in my life, not even when my dad lost his job. I know how the people who I surround myself with will live. They have their lives planned out, 100k jobs and all. My own brother is going to mint money at the job he's going for and all of this is inevitably going to give me an inferiority complex.

Another contradiction, I don't need money to be happy but having money means that I am successful which makes me happy. So basically I need money to be happy, how shallow of me. I am not a gold digger, I don't need just any money, I need money that I earned , so basically there's no winning. I still don't think that I'm talented enough to mint money in the arts but maybe I'll still try. Because then I won't look back on my life and wished I had pursued my passions.