Killing animals

Hmm fear? Fear to me is waking up one day and realising that the best of my days are gone and i can only continue drifting through life. Blatantly ignoring the fact that I am no longer who I want to be. I guess time and silence are the most luxurious things today, i have too much. Way toomuch. You see the problem is thinking. When i used to listen to music was when my thoughts were at there worst. Id turn the music louder so i didn't hear my thoughts but that was stupid because the lyrics remind me of what i was trying to forget.
Kurt Cobain, now he was my idol. When i was younger i used to write to him. Obviously he never received my letters my mother just kept them and showed them to the shrinks. Narcissistic bitch. Always about her, and well who could get into her pants. Hmm anyway Kurt was the man i looked up to. School drop out drug addict heartbreaker all the shit he caused in his life yet he could still write a fucking good song i wish i was as cool and as free as him. But I'm not. I won't ever be.
[pulls out crumpled weed flower and gently places beside the gravestone]
Petra, hmm she had beautiful eyes the kind you could get lost in and i.. well i guess i did. I mean don't get me wrong she was all i could ask for but before you date a guy with a mental illness don't tell him that 'he is the only thing you felt' because it never did balance the chemicals in my brain. And don't ever fucking tell a boy with a mental illness 'ill be here for you no matter what' if you don't mean it. In fact she told me a lot of bullshit. She was very good with her words unlike me of course. But hm like most first loves in 8th grade i was hooked. And it was my thinking that caused the problems. My main thought being that there was no time to leave important words unsaid, so i did of course say them. No wonder she left me.
But hmm yea Kurt Cobain, wow he could rock. I respect him because of his passion for music, he absolutely loved making music. Somewhere i read that his dad gave him an option when he was young of getting a bike or a guitar and [shrugs shoulders] he chose guitar... a choice that really emphasises this passion. i had no passion. I mean not even as a kid i wouldn't dress up or favourite anything, my Christmas list were so short not like i would get what I asked for anyway. But being deprived of passion is what i think caused this mess.
My friends were assholes, constantly drunk or high it just depends what they can get their hands on. I never asked them where they got their money from but growing up in East Palo Alto i already kinda knew. It wasn't until i was around 16 when i started getting into trouble, id walk around with my pellet gun and kill animals. Any animals i would see i would kill 'em and kill 'em just for fun. killed so many. I rememberthe night the accident happened i killed a humming bird in a tree i shot at it twice, once in the left part of its stomach and once in the head. I picked it up once it was dead and threw it onto a random cars window screen. The blood smeared and dripped across the bonnet of the car.
After that i drove down to some party there was at a slut's house. I don't mean that because i didn't like her but because she was a actual slut. The party was wank anyway but i took it as a opportunity to get really drunk on the stolen liquor i got from my dads house, i filled the bottles back up with water so he wouldn't notice i took it. Anyway, yeah this party wasn't any good just another chance to eye up a girl and take her up stairs but i wasn't in the mood.
So, i seen this girls hamster and the rest was blurry but she screamed and the hamster was dead two pellets in each eye. The dudes all laughed and we all got kicked out from the party.
We were all so wasted, seven of us got into my car, a 1980s ford mustang, so it wasn't very big. Anyway there was tonnes of cars about we were all drag racing and all the dudes in the back shouting 'smash em teddy, smash em' 'get em in the rear' i swerved around the empty concrete the wheels screeched and the dudes screamed and laughed. I pulled the car back around and revved the engine, in the hope that it would scare the other cars away but they did the same. I guess the idea was to drive the cars into each other and then swerve away. But i slammed my foot onto the wheel real hard. Real hard. i closed my eyes which was stupid but i did it anyway and we went full force. At that point the fellas in the back were screaming for me to stop i guess i took it too far. But i couldn't stop thinking about the bird and the hamster and they were pecking at my brain telling me go. Do it teddy, fucking do it, teddy. I thought about Petra and how much i loved her, although it was 2 years ago, i was still hurt by what she did to me. And i never did think about my mother, but i also thought about my American history teacher and how her breasts were huge and how good it felt when she, anyway...
A lot of people kida new i was crazy, and it wasn't the first car incident i had got into. When i first past my divers i rode along a highway the opposite way, i got into loads of shit but no one got hurt and i was only a little high but the never tested me, so i just got put on probation and some hours community service at the sports centre. But this time the liquor touched my rage. I wanted to kill those dudes in the back and i wanted to kill those dudes in the other car. So i did. Well tried to. Out of the 11 people in the accident 8 died and i guess i was to blame.
[Stands up and stares at the gravestone. sighs heavily].
[smug look on face]I mean i don't regret anything i did, but i wish i could of made a bigger story. That shit was only in the news for a few weeks until them dudes in hospital finally died and the other three were told they wont be able to function properly again. The school god a bad name, my mother got a bad name and Palo Alto got a bad name. And it was all because of me, i guess i was famous.[Laughs to self] whoever my dad is, i bet he's proud.
[pulls sleeve down and rubs mould of gravestone it reads
EDWARD BRAUDHURST
1977-94
LOVED SON AND FREIND TO MANY
[tilts head whilst stares at gravestone]
I guess i expected more to be written on my grave but... i guess i fucked this place up.
I still wait here every day for her to come visit me. Ill wait forever if i have to.