God! Honestly, I still am amazed that a girl like me would be so fortunate enough to have a guy like him fall for me. It’s really crazy! That feeling that you’d just bed for time to stop, and refuse to let go of the moment. My heart stops when Bill looks at me. He is my missing puzzle piece. This is real. My heart is racing all around in my chest. One touch made me believe that, this is reality, and not just any ordinary fantasy that I usually have.
It’s funny. I remember my impossible dreams back then. I am an avid fan of Tokio Hotel, and I’m proud to be one. Call it dramatic and shallow, but Tokio Hotel did save my life.
I was drowning in desolation and pain before I saw them. I had thoughts of what I should do, but I was scared and didn’t have the guts to do them. I established a secret and forbidden love with a special friend of mine. I was so in love with him way before that I didn’t had any second thoughts on letting him court me. We weren’t officially together, but we acted like we were. I didn’t want anyone to know about us. I was not allowed to be involved in a relationship with the opposite sex except friendship, of course. Since then, I just found myself saving my allowance so I could see him secretly. I’d lie about having activities during the weekends just so I could go out with him. He and I never had lunch together because he knew I was afraid of rumors. On the other hand, he always walked with me home. No one knew about that because his house was nearer. Everyday, he would text me. But I was getting lonely because we had nothing to talk about. He was older than me by a year so, I had no clue about what he does. When I try to have him talk about his day, I become bored because it’d be the same as yesterday’s activities. One time, I was off the edge. I had him explain to me on why he loved and dumped his former girlfriend. He told me, “I heard she is one of the naughtiest girls in school. I courted her because I thought I could change her. But one day, she told me that she needed a little space. So I gave her that. Then, she dumped me. It wasn’t I who dumped her.” Because I was a fool for love, I didn’t confront him. I know that you cannot change someone completely. It is the person’s choice to make a change. Lest, I told him that he was really sweet to think of something like that. He started giving me letters with pictures of him. That made me very happy. He told me that when I missed him, I should just take a look at them. I brought handkerchiefs wherever I go since then. I kept his pictures hidden inside them. I believed in every word he said to me.
We almost had it, and I was ready to fight for him. But one day, I received a text message from him while I was on my way home with my best friend, my only friend perhaps. I know, I’m not supposed to act like we’re officially together, but I did, and I gave him my all because I dropped everything I have when he told me that I’d be his one and only till the end of time. That message of him contained the words: “I think it’d be better if we go back to being friends so that our studies won’t be affected, and for you to gain back your parents’ trust.” I didn’t notice that tears were already flowing down my face. I suddenly sat involuntarily on the cemented way. My best friend was so worried about me. Well, we were the only ones who knew that I had a secret, and we vowed never to tell anyone especially, to the members of my roots. She called my mom, and told her that I wasn’t feeling well. So yeah, I went home with my mom driving the car. She wasn’t the chill-all-the-time type. When I got home, she nagged about the gas money she spent just to get to where I was. It was part of my plan to have me scolded. Yes, believe it or not, it’s true. I wanted her to be angry at me, and I succeeded. I figured that was the only way I could cry. I laid a mask behind the truth.
After crying for almost a month for an unworthy person, who I found out that he already had a replacement for me before he even lured me to his affection, I saw them on TV. I saw this guy who had a bizarre style, which I found really interesting. I liked his confidence in singing and carrying his chic style. He had jet black dreads with white highlights at the ends, catty eyes from his make up, black clothing with feathers on his shoulders and stars on his necklace. I found him really attractive. He had the voice and the looks. Automatic was playing on TV. It had a catchy techno-rock beat, and I found myself singing its chorus repeatedly. Even when I’m texting my friends, my signature is “Why do I keep loving you,” a line from Automatic. I fell in love with the music and the band. Tokio Hotel, my most favorite among all the stuff in my fandom. The story goes on. Everything Tokio Hotel related, I involve myself in them. I’m even known in our country’s fanclub. And I’m also known for being into Bill Kaulitz.
Today, I’m still one of the fanatics of Tokio Hotel. Writing fanfics, joining events and contests, collecting albums and other stuff… Call me obsessed, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t do things that you think are strange. And now, I have Bill by my side, a dream everyone wishes to become a reality.
