Beautiful Mess

Knives and Pens

“Yeah that’s right, beat it you little emo!”

            I stormed away from the school ground. They hadn’t called me anything never used before, but it didn’t make the pain go away. I’ve read books where the main character got used to the teasing and hardened up, but it just made me vulnerable, mostly because they thought it hurt. They thought that even though they say the words over and over again every day, week, year, it still hurts; that’s where the power came from. As long as the words had an undying meaning, it would always hurt.

            “Alex, wait up!”

            It was Cassandra; no doubt. She was my only real friend; I don’t know why she bothered though. Her hair was a shining caramel brown with long bangs in front of her right eye. Dark eyeliner circled her hazel eyes, making them pop out. Curves made her clothes hang perfectly off her body. Secretly, she drove me crazy, but in reality, I was just lucky to have her around. Reese, the kid who always bullied me, also favored her quite a bit. Since he did what he did, she would never go out with him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he drifted into her dreams on some nights.

            “C’mere,” she murmured, wrapping my in a hug.

            The snickers of Reese’s crew were prominent, but I could tell Reese wasn’t laughing at the sight of me being comforted by his harsh words. It seemed to be a battle between wanting to hurt me and seeing Cassandra closer to me than he ever dreamed of.

            “You know I wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you, right?” I whispered, closing my eyes but otherwise unmoving.

“Of course you wouldn’t… why do you ask?” Cassandra questioned as her mouth inched closer to my ear.

I stopped the shivers that danced on my spine and shook my head.

“Just making sure.”

“Hey Cass, why do you hang out with that loser?” Reese shouted.

The arms around me squeezed together and then released. Cassandra turned around and shot Reese a hard glare. It was amazing how she could look beautiful even with her sneer. She was silhouetted by the setting sun at her back.

“You’re the only loser I know!” Cassandra spat. “Alex is the greatest friend anyone could have!”

I would have been flattered by her compliment, but she was the only person who dared to say “greatest” in a positive way and “Alex” in the same sentence. I walked away from the situation, leaving my best friend and her destined boyfriend yelling at each other.

“Don’t look now, but your girlfriend is running away like the coward he is!” Reese shouted loud enough for me to hear.

There was a response, but I didn’t hear; I didn’t want to hear. Escape was all I wanted. Escape from everything. As I walked home, my fingertips brushed over my arms. Long slits of scabs covered them like they were real skin. They were rough to the touch, but no one noticed anyway.

Whenever cars passed by, my black lined eyes looked away from the street. When the cars were also filled with pulsing music, screaming teenagers, and intimidating glares, I flicked my straightened black hair in front of my face. The drivers smirked and teased.

I never thought Cassandra loved me. It was more-so like that gay best friend like. No matter how hard I tried, I’d never live up to her or anyone else’s expectations.  She had so much to lose if she dated me; she had already lost too much being friends with me. I didn’t deserve her. I didn’t deserve anyone.