Tides

0.1

One thing that I can't seem to help about myself is the little things, like a name calling, a simple laugh, someone teasing, playful hitting, me thinking about what others might possibly be thinking. It practically eats me alive. I can't go out anymore because I'm scared of being judged, I can't keep any friends as I'm scared they'll see the true me and then leave.

It's a constant fear that I can't seem to drive away.

I lay up at nights just thinking about all the little things that happened to me. Things I did that I wish I did differently, things that someone did to me that I wish didn't happen at all. I have insomnia because of it, I can't sleep unless I take a pill. Sometimes I might even take more then two at a time just to see if something were to happen. Never does.

My life is probably as boring as they get. I live with my mom and dad. They are probably the cliche partners you think of. My dad had a self employed engineer business that has happened to take off a lot more better then we ever intended. My mom is a stay at home wife and it's basically the Betty Crocker of our neighbourhood. They are perfect themselves, then there's me. Their disappointing daughter that couldn't even finish high school who is most likely going to die before she moves out. I mean.. Free rent?

I don't know what to do with my life other then watch tv and go look around for some finds at local thrift shops and confinement stores. On a good day I go to to places that aren't used but then again I hate most of their stuff.

I dread waking up.

I dread living.

"Hun, we've arranged for you to see Kyle," my mom said opening the curtains to my dungeon. I almost started to hiss at the harsh light. My mom picked up the dishes from last nights diner on my bed side. I love my mom.

"Kyle? The kid who ate his own boogers in front of me and when I made a face he apologized and then offered me some?" I asked remembering the day like it was yesterday even though it was sixteen years ago. I haven't seen him since then I don't know why my mom would suddenly arrange this.

"Oh hush, I heard he's back in town from Sharon and he brought you up one day and she called me and we got to talking and we said, 'you know what? We should get them to talk again' it was quite a lovely conversation honestly," I mentally cringed at every 'and' she used in that sentence. She started to pat my bum before slinging the blankets off of me. It felt as though she should have dumped me into a bath full of ice from how cold it was.

"Mom!" I yelled before actually getting up and out of bed to retrieve my blankets from the floor.

"Breakfast is ready," she said before leaving my room. Don't get me wrong I love my moms company, but just not in the mornings I have to actually be up for her.

At times I'm scared my mom will realize my worth and kick me out, but I know she doesn't have a bad bone in her that will kick out a fly.

I guess I have a play date to get ready for.

All I remember about Kyle is his black hair and sky blue eyes. When he was five and I was four, I was taller then him. He said he was always told he would grow to be as tall as the sky and that he'll teach me not to make fun of others. His optimistic personality was always annoying to me, even being as young as four. I was quite the hoot from the start.

I never really thought of having to look at everything as though to be happy. I thought of things to be scary, actually. I wasn't like Kyle in the sense that he saw the good in things- didn't know what things to keep to himself, but he had manners and was only five. All I'm trying to say is, I was doomed from the start.

I finished with my morning routine of using the washroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I didn't put anything fancy on or makeup because I'm only seeing Kyle and my mom would most likely do the talking the whole time.