As I was previously thinking being a male means you are taught to be strong, be macho, don't show your emotions and most of all don't cry. Now i am even more depressed. I had written a good bit of information here and for some reason it did not get saved. Story of my life nothing goes as planned. I am choosing to write my story of depression in the hopes that others will know they are not alone in this thing called depression. Being a man an having depression is often looked down on. As it is more acceptable for a female to have depression as compared to men.
For years now i have felt that i had a story to tell, but never felt like anyone would ever read it. I can't tell you the number of times that i have tried to write this story. But somehow i would always destroy it in some way. So i finally decided to "just do it". If for no other reason it will allow me to finally express myself, and to share my words and thoughts with whoever may be interested in them.
Depression is something that robs you in my opinion it takes away the real you. I for as long as I can remember have always referred to my depression as the "black hole". At my worst I feel as if I am in a deep black hole where there is no light and no matter how hard you try and climb out of that hole,you just cant. As a matter of fact you just keep sinking further into the hole. Depression robs you of your existence, compromises you of your morals and values. Confuses the hell out of you. And not to mention it is very exhausting and drains you of everything you have and everything that you are. Depression zaps me it steals my energy. And people just don't understand this illness. Not only does it affect you mentally but it also affects you physically.
I have often times asked "Why me"? What did I do to deserve this. I mean I was a good kid growing up, I never gave my parents alot of trouble. I did what was asked of me so why am I suffering from this emotional illness. And most importantly will it end? Will it ever get any better or at least easier to live with.
So where does my story begin? I really don't have the answer to this question. But I do hope that someday medical researchers can figure it all out. Until then I will keep trying to survive one day at a time. It's currently 5:44 am and I woke up several hours ago I think it is time to try and rest some more. If you are reading this I thank you, but I don't really expect anyone to be reading it. But in case you are I will write more later.
A big shout out to Emma for being my first follower. It encourages me to keep writing.
As i look back at things i realize that i was different or should i say depressed as a child, i am not exactly sure of what age it all begin. But i can tell you that this thing called depression has been with me for many years, and although at times it goes away, it always seems to come back when i least expect it. Each time that it comes back it seems harder and harder for me to bring myself out of it. I have been on every imaginable anti depressant that you can think of they all seem to last for 2 to 3 months then the meds seem to have no effect on me at all. I often ask myself,"when did it all begin,"? I don't think I will ever really be sure.
