Wow, i can not believe it has been over 2 years ago on this site, of me trying to tell my story.
The story left off at me seeing a psychiatrist for several years that i really enjoyed. Dr. Pollard was patient with me an was also an excellent listener. But times were still rough. Things were not going well in my first marriage, I felt we were more like brother an sister instead of husband an wife. But there was also a young daughter in the picture, so i truly felt that i could not leave my first wife.
During all of this time my wife's mom an dad also lived with us. And that my friend was a story in an if itself. My wifes mother was a recovering alcoholic an was treated with what was then known as manic depressive. She would have her good days, and then she could be the mither in law from hell. I tried an begged my first wife numerous times to let them live by themselves, but for 11 long years that never happened.
Everyone in my house would go to bed around 8 pm at night, an there i would be all alone an up by myself for several more hours. It was during this time that i began doing some exploring on the computer, after all it was in a seperate room of the house and everyone was asleep. I begin visiting chat rooms nightly an talking to various men very sexually of course, and by the time i was talking i would get very horny, not to mention confused, an i would begin to masturbate. This went on nightly for quite sometime, until i decided i need more. More excitement, more thrills. So i would begin during the day or night that i was working i would begin to look for names an phone numbers on public bathroom walls, when i think about this now i realize i was so depressed, and it was as if I no longer had any self esteem left. At first it would just be a phone call here or there, i would talk with the guy, masturbate, then feel guilty about the thoughts an feelings i was having, and would vow to not do those things again, until the next day or so that is. All of this only led me to becoming more and more depressed, an so confused about life, and about who I really was. Each appointment with my doc, I would always tell him what had gone on, as i was extremely honest with him an never once did i ever feel as if he was judging me or looking down on me.
Taking a little break from now if anyone out there is reading this please let me know. It would mean so much.
It got to where my thoughts was constantly on sexual stuff, and sexual images, I begin to not only call random men, but I also begin to meet up with some of them. I do not know why but anytime i began having sexual thoughts with regards to men, it never fails that is when my depression is at its worst. During all of this time I was in my late 20s and early 30s. When i would get to this point in my life, it did not matter to me what I was doing, or who I may be hurting, i was only thinking about myself, and my needs, and could care less about anyone else during this time.
During all of this time, my depression was getting worst i went on and off off of anti depressants like it was candy. They would work for awhile then they stopped working. I am so not sure how during all of this time i still managed to focus an to hold down my job. Sex an sexual images were in my mind like 24 hours a day 7 days a week, my mind never took a break during this time.
When i would arrive home from work, i did not want to be around family, or around anyone for that matter. All i wanted to do was sleep if i was not working. I was extremely angry an irritable most of the time.
Ok guys just wanted to write a few words, will cotinue my saga a little later.
