Dear Diary, I bury my soul within your lines...
Today, I thought about us, about the great times I've had with you. Being with you made me happy, everything you did for me made me happy; well not everything but most things. I can't ever imagine you with someone else, and I can't see someone else without comparing you. Sometimes I wonder if you still think about me, about all the times you've cherished me. We've had a lot of great times together, I mean, it was almost perfect. I wonder if the next person I meet will love me as much as you've loved me, or if I can tolerate them as much as I've tolerated you. The way you whispered in my ears about how much I meant to you, was like cold chill on a windy day at the beach, and I like windy days at the beach. The way the wind washes over my face, the smell of the salty water, the way the sand clings between my toes; all these things make me happy. Although I've discovered that I don't like long walks on the beach, I would very much like for you to sit down and watch the waves collide with the slippery rocks, over and over again with me. These are the things that make me happy. I think about a lot of things when I am alone, things like why I am always by myself. I love having companies, but I hate them at the same time. Maybe I just like being alone. I don't know if it makes sense, but being alone makes me think; it makes me think about life and its success and failures and where I fall in between those lines. Or maybe I enjoy no company because I am not the type to express myself verbally. I never saw it that way, but since we went our separate ways I’ve always wanted to be alone. Being with you was too much, I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I was suffocating. But now that I don't have you, being alone feels lonelier than the midnight sky. I remember all the times I used to ask you to give me space, although its a little too late, I finally get it now. I know that my decisions have never made sense to you because, I feel like I took everything you did for granted. I’ve never expressed the way I felt when I was with you, but I can tell you that the way you held me made me feel beautiful. It still makes my heart race whenever I think about it. The way you kiss me, made my heart beat faster than the chills running down my spin or the goose bumps forming on my neck and arms. The way you made me feel was totally out of this world. It was so special like none else. But now I finally know, I know that I am the only one in this world for you, I am like, the Nemo to your sea. I know that’s a bit lame and cheesy, but I know you still love me and you still think about me no matter how much you despise me. I know you still have my heart because you never gave it back and I still have yours because you never asked for it back. I should have never let you go because it makes me feel like a fool. You loved me too much, you cared for me too much. It was too much for your feeling to all go away. I am sorry that it was just so overwhelming for me, my heart couldn't bear it. I’ve never had the kind of love you gave me. But then again, I guess I never had anything to compare it to. I didn't know how love was supposed to feel like, but I know what we had was strong and powerful, something so beautiful. I know that you loved me, you loved me so much that it scared me. My heart ached every day, it was so painful that I thought it would break while still inside of me. But if that is what love is supposed to feel like, then why was I suffocating? Why was it so unbearable? Why was I in so much pain? I thought love was supposed to feel warm and cosy or is that the stage of marriage? the stage where you can't tell if you're happy or sad so you just settle at comfortable with company. Someone once told me you have to go through pain to feel pleasure, maybe those were my hurdles till the sunrise or maybe I just don't know what the definition of love is. Until I can find the solution to my situation; dear diary, let me tell you a little secret, I think I’ve fucked up.
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