bambi eyes || tradley

27. read my lips

Bambi stood frozen as James pulled his small body closer to him, causing the younger boy to stumble into his body, arms hanging limp by his sides as he kissed him. Tristan was the only person that had kissed Brad before, and with him he was full of exclamation points and so much love, but being kissed by James made him feel so uncomfortable. He didn't know how to react, or how to feel. All he could do was wait until James pulled away, nervously eyeing the curly-haired boy for how he felt. Brad wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel. He still was wondering if that actually happened. There was no way James's lips could have touched his. The man despised him, apparently.

"I really shouldn't have done that," James murmured. He let out an awkward laugh before slapping a hand over his face. "Why did I do that? I really, really shouldn't have done that."

The brown-eyed boy hugged his jacket around himself, frowning. "James, I do not know what to say."

"It'd be better for you not to say anything." Brad nodded, happy that there was something he could do. "That really wasn't supposed to happen, Brad. It was just a in the moment thing. I shouldn't have done that."

"I understand," he told him, even though he actually didn't. He wasn't sure what he meant by the kiss being an in the moment thing, but then again, he didn't really understand a lot of things about people, especially James. He wasn't sure how one human being could hold so many secrets. Brad knew he'd explode if he had to keep so much away from people.

"Tristan doesn't have to know about this, yeah?" he said, voice dropping to a whisper.

"But I do not want to keep a secret from my boyfriend."

This caused James to roll his eyes. "I'm not asking you to split on him. He'll be upset if he knows about this, and it could damage your relationship, Brad. Don't you love him?"

"I love him a lot, yes."

"Then no soul can know about this," he told him. "Understand?"

Bambi frowned. He hated secrets. He hated when people kept secrets away from him, and he hated keeping secrets away from people. Not telling Tristan this would kill him, but telling Tristan would kill him, too. He couldn't imagine a life without his Tristan. Damaging their relationship would damage him, and he assumed that struggling to keep a secret away from his boyfriend wasn't worse than losing him. "Yes, I-I understand, James."

"Good." He sighed of relief and plopped down on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair. Brad wasn't sure what to do with himself now. He could only stand there, too afraid to leave the room and act like nothing happened. But he already knew that he was eventually going to have to. The curly-haired boy forced his footsteps backwards, wrapping his fingers around the doorknob behind him. "Hey, Brad," he quietly said, pausing the younger boy's footsteps, "I don't think I like you like a... boyfriend."

He blinked. "Okay."

"I don't actually know how I feel about you, really." The curly-haired boy pocketed his hands in his jacket. "It's been a long time - five years, actually. It'd be mad to pine for someone after so long, yeah?"

"I guess."

"I couldn't possibly like you. You're... different. I mean, you're the same, but with me... everything is so different. I forget it all the time. When I see you, I see the only person that I ever trusted, but now you don't recognise me. You don't remember ever hearing my name or ever seeing my face, ever listening to any words from my mouth." He let out a dry laugh, running a hand through his hair once again. "But I like to imagine that you know everything about me again, and going back to that place makes me really happy. But I know it can never be that way again."