Vent book (please read TWs)

poem by me

I HATE WORDS

i hate words.
i hate every stupid, twisted shape they take.
i hate how they come with loopholes and double meanings
i hate how even now, while i write this,
there's a voice snarling in my head
calling it embarrassing, calling me embarrassing,
telling me to rip this page to shreds and pretend i never tried to speak at all.

i hate that voice.
i hate that it sounds like people who don't- shouldnt even matter anymore.
i hate that their insults that "weren't ment to hurt" got lodged in my skull like rusted nails in damp wood

"attention seeker."
"main character."
"faker."
"manipulator."
God, they cant even get creative anymore.

and yet here they are,
still pacing around in my head, rent free.

i hate that i kept the screenshots.
i hate that i go back to them
like some desperate dog
digging up every reason im not worthy.
i hate that i can't delete them
even though they burn me

i hate that my own mind
has become the bully,
i hate that it spits out phrases
no one ever said out loud
but somehow I believe anyway!

"sticks and stones!"
yeah, sure,
sticks break bone.
stones bruise skin.
but words?
words dig trenches
they rot into my bone morrow

tell me where to put a bandaid
on something no one can see.
tell me where to stitch shut
a wound that isn't visible
tell me how to quiet a voice
that lives in my very bloodstream.

because now it's everywhere
in the mirror.
in my grades.
in every conversation-
in every mistake.

the wrong words will stay with someone for a long time.
an invisible scar.
a silent brand burning the back of your neck.
a brand that stays, rotting, in your mind.
that curls up with you late at night and whispers everything wrong about you, everything you need to fix about yourself.

but now that that voice is imbedded into your skin, after you wear different clothes, change your hair, act different, fit in

its never going to be enough.
that voice wilk point out everything you do wrong

""oh look! you failed another test! you'll never be as good as the rest of the class"
"huh look at that, you said something dumb again! she'll never want to be your friend now!"
"she hates you."
"stop being so pushy"
"everyone thinks you're annoying"
"just shut up! no one wants to hear you!"

and thats why i hate words.
words that carve into your skin, poison your thoughts, until you are nothing more then skin and bones...