Asher's Heart

Extra #3.2

FUTURE
(14 years later)

(Asher)

"What do you mean?" I asked Lily as I closed the door behind me. Anderson had left to call her dad to ask about the kids.

Lily fiddled with her fingers, her gaze down.

"You weren't responsible for this," she said, looking into my eyes.

"Lily, what are you saying?"

"I crashed into you. Intentionally." she admitted.

Her admission caused my feet to stagger and I slumped down on the couch, my palms supporting the weight of my head, it felt so heavy.

"What?" my voice was barely above a whisper.

"After I woke up, I didn't think I'd ever see you. I was told you had survived the crash and that was enough for me. But then Samantha came and told me how you blamed yourself and what you've done for my daughter all these years and I can't-" she inhaled unsteadily.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

I looked into her brown eyes."What are you saying right now?" My voice was eerily quiet.

"I was barely living, Asher and I couldn't-" she broke off. She cleared her throat. "I just didn't want to live." she said finally.

I got into her face. "Do you understand what you've done?! Did you even think for one second how your reckless decision would affect the people around you? What if you crashed into a family? What if they died? What if I died? What about Calla? How could you do this to her? She was just a baby!" A vein throbbed at my temple. I couldn't even look at her.

She let out a sniffle. "You don't understand what I was going through. How hard it was for me to get through each day. How much harder she made it," her voice barely audible the end. As if she didn't want anyone to hear.

"You disgust me," my voice sounded bitter to my own ears. "There were a thousand things you could have done differently! Because of you..." All these years I carried this guilt, this burden.

"You meant to kill both of you," I stated. She didn't deny it.

I turned away shakily. "I can't do this." My breaths were coming in fast and there was something heavy stuck in my chest. Another panic attack.

"I do regret it. I just hope you won't blame yourself anymore," she whispered.

"I have one question," I forced myself to speak, facing the door.

She waited without saying a word as if she knew what I was going to ask and also knew what her answer would be.

"Do you want to see her?" I still asked. If it were upto me, she wouldn't come near Calla in this lifetime. But I had to ask. For Anderson.

She stayed silent.

I let out a wet laugh. "Fine. You will never have the privilege to meet my daughter," I told her and left.

My feet would take me no farther than the waiting area and I slumped on the floor.

"Asher!" Footsteps rushed toward me. Then I felt strong arms wrap around me. I turned my head and cried on my brother's shoulder.

We sat together on the hospital floor till I calmed down. "Ellie?" I asked when I had sobered up.

"She is here." He helped me stand up.

Anderson came over, question in her concerned gaze. I shook my head. I couldn't stomach staying here anymore. I had to leave.

****

If I had ever wished I could get drunk it would have been today. But with the fuckton of medication I'm on that wouldn't be such a great idea. So I made do with cigarettes.

I was halfway through smoking the entire pack, looking out at Lake Michigan at the private beach front. It was almost 11 pm. The kids were asleep. Ashton also went home to his family.

I was still waiting for my imminent breakdown. So far, I just felt numb.

Fuck, Lily. In trying to absolve me of my guilt, the burden I'd been carrying all these years, she had turned my entire world upside down. I had made peace with what I had allegedly done. God knows I had punished myself enough. Did I suffer for nothing?

The fear I had lived with while raising Calla. That somehow she'd find out what I had done and would hate me for it. Turns out, it wasn't my fault at all.

I snuffed out my cigarette when I heard footsteps.

"Long day huh?" Anderson said as she stood beside me.

"The longest," I sighed.

I glanced sideways at her. She wore white cotton shorts and my back hoodie with the hood down. I was still wearing the clothes from the hospital, dark blue shirt and frayed pleated trousers. My body itched to get out of these clothes.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, looking at the lake. The dark waters inseparable from the night.

Anderson had been walking on eggshells around me the entire day, afraid that I'd break at the slightest unease. I wanted to tell I wasn't that fragile but I wasn't sure about that. When I told her what Lily had said, she broke down crying. Mostly for me but also for Calla. She saw too much of herself in her. She at least had one loving parent. Calla had no one. We hired a private investigator to find her father years ago. Turned out he had died even before Lily's accident. Drug overdose. I wondered if that was what had pushed Lily to the brink.

I closed my eyes, trying to banish any more thoughts of her.

I pulled Anderson into my arms, brushing her hair away from her reddened eyes.

"I love you," I told her.

She smiled and rose up on her toes to kiss me. I immediately opened my mouth and deepened the kiss, pulling her closer. My hand slipped inside my hoodie and fisted the flimsy top she was wearing.

Her nails scratched my scalp and then she pulled on my hair. I groaned.

I wanted these clothes off me now more than ever. I wanted to feel her skin on me. My lips traveled down to her neck and I pushed up her hoodie. I wasn't willing to part from her skin long enough to pull it off her. I bit her neck instead.

"Asher," she cried out, her feet barely touching the ground.

Calm the fuck down, man.

I set her down on her feet and straightened her hoodie, our breaths coming out in puffs. She laid her head on my chest as I held her close.

"I love you more," she whispered.

My arms tightened around her as I kissed the crown of her head.

📚📚📚📚

one more to go.