Warmth II: Closure

Chapter One

Pogo's hand collided with our daughter's cheek loudly. She almost instantly began to wail upon impact.

Pogo yelled at her heartlessly, it was almost as if he were yelling at her for misbehaving. I knew his words were angry, mean ones that shouldn't ever be heard, specially by an infant of this age. I couldn't hear him well, his voice was slowed & also muffled.

And I couldn't move or pull my sight away from the poor, flustered child. I simply watched helplessly as loud wails, reminiscent of the ones she screamed during late nights, were battered out of her frail self. She didn't deserve a single second of this! She was sweet & innocent, she had not a single fault in this world, & yet this was happening to her. I couldn't do anything about it at all, and it killed me inside just like a knife piercing into my chest.

I sat there, immobile as if I were paralyzed. I watched, in terrible horror, as my own little baby was hurt over & over again.

GOD DAMMIT GET UP, DO SOMETHING! He's hurting YOUR baby!! Over & over I could hear my own voice screaming this to me, but everything came through stained glass eyes. The world was a dizzying blur. And I had no control over it whatsoever. I just watched...

~~

My eyes fluttered open to the bright, early morning light of the sun. My lover, Brian, was only inches away from me, undisturbed by the horrors I had to go through almost nightly. I envied him. How could he sleep so well, knowing that our only child was missing, & there was a chance she was being hurt? It was about as bad as the dreams where I only watched her get hurt. It just haunted me. She could be suffering for all I knew. I din't think that Pogo would hurt her, one reason being that Pogo loved her dearly. Then again, I thought Pogo loved me, which was wrong. So maybe he didn't love her as much as I did, or do.

Please don't hurt my baby, Pogo.

I guess just as in the dream I was that helpless that all I could do was mentally pray to Stephen not to hurt Anna. And even that won't get to him because it was merely a thought.

Just as in the dream, I was unable to do anything. I wish we'd have fought Pogo for our own baby. Maybe if we did, she would still be by our side. Annabelle would have been properly taken care of in our custody. I would be a proud mother & Brian would be just the same. Well.. Mother, meaning to say I was the one who carried her. That's how things go, right? Generally speaking.
I wish I just knew how her condition was. Where was she? Was she with Pogo? Was he being nice to her? Was she content not having a mother? Or is she stuck in a crappy orphanage? I want to hold her & tell her that everything would be fine because we were looking out for her. I wish to see her grow. I want to be a proper mother to her.

I wasn't the only one suffering. Though Brian did not get frequent nightmares as I did, I knew for a fact that he was also aching. Regretful, maybe. Most likely.

He had a home built for all three of us (maybe even more than just three family members) but this house wouldn't live to serve it's full purpose. This was built to house a family. Don't get me wrong, Brian is family & all, but this was not what we imagined things to be. We wanted a family, children & even that lovely all-american dream life. We couldn't let this house go to waste. Brian worked so hard for it, for everything!

Maybe we could still go on from here. It wasn't too late to try again. We should not just stop here & stay this way forever. We should carry on the family tree, we were capable of that. The loss of our first child was not the end of the world, though it does still hurt. We need to carry on. It had been eleven years since the incident. We should still keep going. And we will, I thought with pure hopefulness.

Brian began to stir in his sleep. At first, I thought he was simply shifting positions, but he was moving around quite a bit. And then I looked up to his beautiful face. His eyelids were fighting to open, as if he were battling the sleepiness away. Soon enough, his eye lids pulled back to reveal the most beautiful light brown eyes I had ever seen. He looked lost & confused at first & I couldn't help but smile at his expression. Slowly, he came into consciousness & he was smiling right back at me with that loving expression of his. I melt like chocolate in his warm, loving gaze. He just relieves all of my stress, he made me weak in such a strange way.

I loved seeing his brilliant face, lighting up the room & around the pillow case. Every little thing about him was beautiful. I was smitten.

"Good morning, Love," he smiled adoringly.
Lovingly, I stroked the messy hair out of his face. "Good morning, Beautiful. I think we have something to talk about."
"What would that be?" Brian asks with a gentle expression on his face.
I don't even blink. I wasn't afraid to voice my thoughts around Brian anymore. Besides, he'd understand. I'd make him understand. "Well... I think we should have a baby."
Brian stiffens, & that could be bad. But I got this. I could convince him to agree with me.

"Jeordie..." he starts with a sigh.

Oh, birth names. This could not be good. He usually only uses my name when we discuss serious topics. Oh, & he sighed. Not good, not good! Fuck it, whatever is in your mind, Brian, I am prepared to contradict it just like you are currently contradicting this idea. Wanna debate? I'm right about this & I will stick up for this. This time, it isn't just about respecting each other's opinions. This is a choice to make.

I raised a quizzical brow to his direction. "Yes?"

"Jeordie, you aren't 20 fucking years old anymore. You're too old for that kind of crap!"

Crap...? CRAP?!!! I was getting quite frustrated with him. I mean, out of that one statement I could easily extract two things that are undeniably offensive.
"Gee, thanks. I totally needed a reminder that I'm getting older."

Brian chuckles. "I'm sorry, Jeordie. But I do mean well."

"Well, so do I. Now hear me out," I tell him.

"No. You listen to me."

I sigh in response, but otherwise, I do listen to him.

"You are a man."

"We've established that." A grin forms on my face, more of a mocking one than a happy one.

Brian shook his head, probably getting annoyed of me. "The point is, it's risky as Hell for you to be pregnant again. If a woman has her risks, clearly a pregnant man will have his troubles."

"I know the risks."

"No. You do not. I'm not risking losing you, I almost lost you more than once! Please don't endanger yourself."

"Brian, you & I both wanted this. We wanted a life, a family."

"It's wrong! You got lucky the first time cause you had a caesarian section when you weren't aware of it. Now it'll be worse, I don't know. I just doubt we can pull this off."

"A little risk is worth it! I want a life Brian. I know you do, too."

"Is what we have not enough?" Brian questions.

"No, no! That's not what I mean!" I say with much frustration.

Brian looks into my eyes. "Then what do you mean?"

"We should stop sulking about Anna. We should just keep on going & try again."

"It's too risky."

He gets up from the bed then goes to the bathroom to fix himself up. As the sink water starts running, I groan and bury my face into the pillows. I'll do what ever it takes to convince him. I need to move on. We both need to.

HeLLo, everybody! This was co-written with @Dontbelonghere! Thank you, Hun! <3
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