KRITIKA in PROGRESS

chapter 1

It was same face that used to monopolise all my thoughts a long time ago. Long enough for it to seem like a completely another life altogether. Realising who he was my world stopped. Everything froze except the wild surge of emotions that was coursing through me. The feelings that I had banished away in one of the chests of my mind rattled out loud. The passion that I had suppressed and locked up inside me was pulsing like a live volcano tunnel.

I have waited for this moment for the past two years, and now when it is here, staring in my face, I have no idea what to say or do !

I lift my gaze to level with his. He was staring at me intently with those deep brown chocolate eyes that I adored so much. I couldn't help but stare back. I moved my eyes all over his visage taking in every detail - every detail that punched a hole in my stomach. He hadn't changed much from the last time I saw him. Suddenly I was pulled back to reality. What is he doing here after two years? And more importantly, HOW DID HE KNOW WHERE I WAS?

I had been very careful to not let anyone know where I am. I am pretty sure my family thinks I am in UK. I didn't tell them about my moving to LA. Only Naomi and Vidhi, my two best friends, knew about LA and they still think I am in LA. No one connecting to my prior life knows I am in India, that I moved back here a year ago. How did he know where I was? How did he find me? WHY did he find me? I had about a million questions to ask him but couldn't form a coherent sentence.

I don't know for how long have I been standing here like this. To an outsider it would seem like I was standing silently in my doorway, but the noise my mind was making could drone out all reality.

I have to do something, say something, if not for him then just to check if I still had life inside me, if I could move at all. I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Action would be the best escape. I moved out of the way and nodded my head for him to enter. He obeyed gladly and walked over to the main couch in the hall and took a seat. He looked out of place on my small green couch. I had a weird instinct to run out in the opposite direction. I shoved it quickly and took a seat on the sofa chair adjacent to the couch

He is looking all over the place except in my direction. A pang of sadness hit me- he didn't wanna look at me. He is sitting just inches away from me. I can smell him in the air between us. I remember that smell. His smell. How can I not? How can I ever forget that somehwat soapy fragrance of his aroma was my linchpin, my handle on sanity back then. I can't take this. I am not sure if I am stable enough to carry on a normal conversation, if that's what he is here for. Why is he here again?

I wanted to be a teenager again. Partly because I wanted to redo everything that happened and everything I did which screwed up my life to the point that I am forced to live like a pariah. And partly because right now all I wanted to do was storm into my room and cry myself to sleep. I should hve just banged the door on his face and not let him enter in the first place.

I just realised since the moment he walked through that door none of us have exchanged any words. He seems exhausted, forced maybe. My mind is working in overdrive (so what else is new? ) I need to say something. We are sitting like two strangers, completely unaware of each other's presence. We might as well be sitting at a bus station. But how can I start? I did the last time, and look how well that turned out. NOT. No way in heaven or hell was I breaking the ice this time. He came here, naturally he'll have a purpose. If anyone's gonna initiate, its gonna be him.

He opened his mouth to speak and I thought I was going to die. He took out a flat rectangular package from the inner pocket of his jacket.
"You uh y-you forgot this at uh-my place."
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
What is he talking about? What did I forget? Why did he even bother?
Like on autopilot, I took the packet that he had placed on the coffee table and tore it open. Inside lay an envelope. I haven't been so confused all my life as I was now, and that is saying something. I opened the envelope and stopped thinking altogether.

It was a rough draft from one of my writings from two years back. I had started something with a borrowed idea but didn't go through with it. It wasn't of any value to me, not now, not then. At this point of I was gaping at him. I repeat from where I left of - WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?????

He took the pain of contacting me, finding me after almost two years, just to return a worthless draft? The last time I checked , he hates me- he even hates the idea of me. Why didn't he just burn it with a pile of trash already? What is going on in his noggin? What is this all of a sudden...........

Maybe just maybe he still has feelings for me.....NO. STOP! STOP IT! Stop. It. Right. There! The only feeling that he harbours for me is hatred. During our suedo marriage he didn't say a single word to me unless we were in public. Living through that I couldn't let myself hope. It is like walking into a tornado. It will only end up in another heartbreak which will shred me to pieces AGAIN. I cannot let this happen. I cannot let him have power over. I just won't.

Realising that I wasn't going to speak anytime soon he began ..
"So uh how are you?"
Huh? What did he just say to me?
"Fine" I said.
That voice didn't belong to me. It was as if my tongue had answered of its own volition. It was not totally untrue though. I have Rahul, Nandini and Reeya.

What does he want really? Why suddenly worried about my well-being?
I have to get my answers. I can't stand this anymore.
"How did you know where I was?" I managed to say without stuttering.
He seemed hesistant to answer. Pfft!
"I saw you at a local restaurant here about a week ago and followed you back here" he said. " The last time time I heard - Vidhi told me- you were in LA?"

He knows about LA? Vidhi told him? What about the promise she made me? You just can't trust anyone, not even your lifelong best friend.