Dear A,
You will never have the chance to read this letter but here I am pouring words and nonsense with my mouse cursor blinking. I like you. Ayan nasabi ko na, hindi ko na dinedeny ang feelings ko. All those weeks of denying only brought me stress.
I knew in the first place na hindi ka seryoso, na you are just toying with me. Malandi ka kasi eh, kahit na lalaki ka. Inborn na ata sayo ung pagkaplayboy. I hate you when I first met you because of your arrogance. Napaka-yabang mo kaya. You think all girls would swoon over you. Feeling mo magugustuhan ka ng isang babae kahit hindi ka gumagawa ng moves. You think girls would want to be with you. Hindi ko naman ineexpect na maging close tayo. We never talk to each other before. Nagsimula lang nung tinatawag mo akong ng iba't ibang pet names as a joke. Alam ko naman na biro lang yun. I hated you that time because I don't like people calling me pet names and such. Nacocornyhan kasi ako. Nagtagal bigla ka na lang nang-aakbay at nang-yayakap. I am not the only one you do those gestures to but ako ung lagi mong inaakbayan at niyayakap. Tapos tumagal, ganun ka parin. People would often think that we are together but we always quickly deny it. Hindi naman kasi tayo diba? I know that you don't like me.
Then this time comes na sinabi mo sakin na gusto mo ung kaibigan ko. Hindi na ako nagulat, bago pa tayo maging close gusto mo na siya. Nawala lang siguro nung nagkaroon ka dati ng girlfriend pero bumalik ngayon. Being the nice friend I am, I told you to confess and take care of her. Sakin ka nga nagkwento kung paano ka umamin sa kanya. I know that you are serious with her. Sa kanya mo lang ata balak magseryoso eh. Sinabi mo sakin na mahal mo ako pero mas mahal mo siya. Medyo lumayo ka sakin nung mga panahong umamin ka sa kanya, siguro para iwas issue kasi kumakalat nga na in a relationship tayo. Tsaka ako na rin mismo ang lumayo kasi nasasaktan ako. I distanced myself from you. Akala mo nga dati galit ako sayo kasi pag nandiyan ka naiinis ako. Ung tipong presence mo pa lang napapakunot na ung noo ko. But it was all for a show. My anger masked my sadness and jealously. Unfortunately she rejected you. Call me a bitch but I was happy when I heard that she turned you down. She is suddenly out of the picture. Then, naging close ulit tayo. Back to normal tayong dalawa. Lagi mo na naman akong inaakbayan at niyayakap. You even kissed my cheek several times.
My friends warned me. They said that I should stay away from you. Meron kasing sinasabi sakin na hindi maganda ung dating mong girlfriend. Kasalanan ko bang ayaw mo na sakanya? She is pathetic. Ako pa ung napapasama. Ako pa ung lumalabas na third party. Every time you come near me, my friends would hissed and turn their backs on us. Gusto lang naman daw nila ung naka-bubuti sakin. Tinry ko naman layuan ka eh but I can't do it. Para kang gravity, kahit na tumalon ako, sayo parin ang bagsak ko. Ang lakas ng gravitational pull mo sakin.
Lagi tayong PDA. There was a time when you held my hand in front of our schoolmates. Hindi mo alam na kinilig ako nun kasi hinahatak ko ang kamay ko. I would never have the courage to tell you how I truly feel. Ako kasi ung laging nagpplay safe. I don't like taking risks. I don't like being out of my comfort zone. Tsaka alam ko naman na hanggang pang-landian mo lang ako. Walang nakaka-alam ng feelings ko para sayo. I keep it to myself.
Meron ka na namang bagong nilalandi ngayon. Mukhang magiging kayo. Magaling kang mam-bola. You can have any girl wrapped around your finger. Ang sweet niyo. Dahil sa kanya kaya hindi mo na ako pinapansin ngayon. Dahil sa kanya kaya hindi na tayo nag-uusap. She is very pretty. I am no one compared to her. Kaya mo siguro siya nagustuhan. Ikaw kasi ung looks first before personality. Every time you laugh with her my heart breaks. Ang sakit pala. Umasa ako na magugustuhan mo ako, ung seryoso. But I guess expectations always lead to disappointments. Never ever assume.
Kailangan ko nang mag-move on. Sobrang sakit na. The pain is unbearable. Someday I hope that I can look at you without my heart beating fast and at the same time breaking. Kaya ko to. Madali lang naman siguro mag-move on. But in my state now, it is hard. I've fallen so deep. I thought you are going to catch me but on the last minute you put your arms by your side and walk away without seeing my broken state. Someday makaka-move on ako at hindi na kita iisipin pa. Someday.
Love,
Someone you've caused pain to
