"What are you thinking?" Mommy rushes over to us, eyes skimming over us. Hardship hardens eyes, and hers are the hardest I've ever seen. Her eyes land on Amanda's torn dress.
She pulls us both into a hug, right there on the lawn. "I heard," she whispers.
Behind us is the sound of the dray pulling away. Neither Amanda nor I look back.
"Who's that?" Mommy whispers.
"A guard of Maligner's. He offered to drive us home." Amanda is speaking.
"You accepted?"
"Yes, Mommy. Emily was hyperventilating."
"Let's go inside," Mommy says.
I can't believe I was just here this morning. I can't believe Randy was alive this morning. I can't believe I worried about how my room looked like this morning.
Mommy makes me sit on the couch and eat a bowl of soup. It's warm and spicy, stinging my throat. I'm gulping it up and I find myself asking for seconds, for thirds. Amanda retires to her room.
This room is the only nice place in the house. There's a fireplace here, for one thing, and the walls are papered with white and gold patterns. There are green velvet sofas and the white carpet Daddy got us years ago still has my feet sinking into the softness. We moved into this house a month after our old one burned.
I still remember the weeks between the fire and the move. I remember nights spent in stinky motels, nights Amanda, Billie and I had gone to sleep listening to our parents screaming at each other.
"I hope you die!" Mommy would yell.
"I hope you die!" Daddy would roar back.
"Fine! I hope I die! I hope I die in a hole! I hope I die now, today, so I wouldn't have to deal with you! So you would know what it means to have me!"
Amanda sat straight up in bed and rushed into their room, saying, "No, no, no, Mommy, please Mommy, I don't want you to die, Mommy, please! Please, no, no, no!"
Amanda's sobs carried over to us. Billie and I stared at each other, not sure what to do. Mommy started yelling at Amanda and Daddy started yelling at Mommy for yelling at Amanda and it was just yelling, yelling sinking into my ears, yelling seeping into my pores, yelling pulling my heart like a rubber band.
"I swear, if you touch Amanda, I'll - I'll -" that was Daddy.
"You'll what? You're a coward of a man! You're snivelling! You're a fool! You can't do anything!"
"No, Mommy, Daddy, no - "
I heard a thud.
"STOP! Please, no, don't! MOMMY! Stop! Stop! S - stop!" Amanda was beseeching.
Amanda came back to us with tears painting streams on her face. She pulled me into a hug and sobbed into my shoulder. I wriggled away from her and said, "Amanda, don't cry on me."
I immediately wished I hadn't done that. Amanda hugged Billie instead. He let her cry into his shoulder.
The couch dips and I'm awoken from my musing. Mommy is drawing circles into my back. I look at her and I marvel at how much she's changed, how much better of a person she is. She is not the woman who willed herself to die, she isn't.
"Dear, I love you. Pray for Randy. I'm sorry about her. I love you, Emily. I'm so scared for you." Mommy says all of this in a rush and I know that Mommy is the person I love the most in the world. She's the only one who can make me feel warmth like this.
