I killed my own baby

Full story

All characters in this story are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

A woman would be proud to have a child,
Having someone to call "mine".

A woman would feel excited to hold her little one in her arms
And love him more than anything in the world.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I turned 21 I moved in with my boyfriend in London, due to the lack of relationship I had with my parents. I was a straight A student, and my parents couldn't stand seeing me working hard to achieve my dreams. I was studying to become a Spanish teacher, hence my life was pretty busy at that time.

My parents believed that a woman should only be doing housework and taking care of the children. They believed that studying was nothing but a waste of time for a woman. On the other hand, they would support and encourage my younger brother to work hard and have a stable job in his life. I didn't have a close relationship with my brother either. I was extremely jealous that my parents treated him like a king, whereas I was treated like a slave. Yeah, that's the word; "slave". "Cathy, the laundry's waiting for you," "Cathy, don't forget to wash the dishes," "Cathy, remember that you have to go to the supermarket today", my mother would say as soon as she sees me with my Spanish Literature book in my hands.

I tried to convince my parents that times have changed and that they couldn't keep on living "in the 1960s", because women were eligible to attend school... but as they say... You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Hence, I decided to stand on my own and make my own decisions. Besides, I was mature enough to distinguish what was right or wrong. Jack ,my boyfriend, was the only person who believed in me. He was the only person who helped me achieve my dream. He was the only one that supported me. When I turned 21, I moved in with him. He worked as a shop assistant, and I was in my last year at University. I had a part-time job as a secretary as well, so I could help Jack with the expenses of the apartment.

Two years later, at the age of 23, I fell pregnant, and Jack and I were over the moon! We already couldn't wait to hold our little one in our arms. It was a planned pregnancy, even though marriage wasn't our "thing." We wanted to start a new life, a new chapter... We wanted something... someone... that belonged to us...

A month later, Jack was killed in a car accident. It was the day when we planned to go for an ultrasound for the first time. It was the day when we were going to see OUR baby for the very first time.

He was coming home from work, and somehow, somebody, crashed into him. That somebody killed the father of my baby. That somebody killed the person whom I trusted and loved the most. That somebody killed part of me.

I was devastated. Shattered. I couldn't believe that the person I loved the most, was gone forever. FOREVER. I couldn't believe that he would never see his own child. I couldn't believe that he would never hold our baby in his arms.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Few weeks later, I had an appointment with my doctor at the clinic. No, I didn't go for an ultrasound. After the tragedy, I didn't want to see my baby. I didn't want to have this baby. I wasn't prepared to raise him by myself. I wasn't prepared to raise him without his father. I just didn't want him to remind me of Jack whenever I would look at him. I hated the thought of him being dead, buried six feet under the ground.

I had an appointment with my doctor for an abortion. I wanted to abort my baby. I didn't even want to know whether he was a boy or a girl. I just didn't care.

I hated him. I hated my own baby. I wanted to get rid of him.

I wanted to get rid of every thing that reminded me of Jack. I knew the baby wasn't the one to be blamed. I knew the baby was an innocent human being... In fact, the doctor advised me to think twice about this decision, as this was going to affect both the baby and me... and I could regret it for the rest of my life. But still, I went for it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To date, I still regret the decision I had made twenty years ago. I still regret for being the one to take away the life of my unborn child, who would have been a 20 year-old young lady or young man today. To date, I still cannot believe how I could be so cruel, heartless and egoistic for killing an innocent human being whom I could call "mine". What would Jack say if he were alive? What would Jack say if he knew that his baby was killed while he was still in my womb? What would he say if he knew that I killed OUR own baby...?

Today, I live in my own house in the company of Jack's photos hanged on my bedroom wall. After Jack's death, I promised myself that I would never lay my eyes on another man. I am a full time teacher and I am so grateful that my students appreciate the effort I do to help them achieve a good grade in their exams. I am so grateful that my students support me after all that I 've been through.

Of course, being a teacher hurts, because every time I look in the eyes of my students, I see my child. I see my son, my daughter, whom today would have been a young adult just like them, but instead, I'm living with this regret till my last breath.

-Written by Kristina Galea-

Kristina Galea © All Rights Reserved. This material may not be reproduced, displayed, modified or distributed without the permission of the author.