Memoirs

May death do us part

-Carsani

I wasn't afraid.

In a way getting told I was going to die made it easier.

I was used to my body being this way, the strength it took to take a deep breath. The weakness I felt in my limbs.

The thought of dying was easy, something I got the hang of like riding a bike. At first your scared, terrified of letting go but when you do its not so bad.

It was unnerving to think of the person I used to be. I think that it was suppose to come to this moment though and I was grateful.

If I was going to die I didn't want to be in the prime of life. Enjoying a career and falling in love with countless boys who were bound to break my heart.

I never got the experience of high school gossip, Elementary school crushes, the steady formation of a best friend and friendship groups.

My closest friends was my Dad and two brothers.

They were here the day I was diagnosed  thirteen years ago. I remember hiding under the counters in the kitchen. Mom was crying her eyes out while Dad tried to comfort her.

Mom was too stubborn for her own good. Even though she divorced Dad a year after they adopted me, she visited frequently but all of that stopped once he along with my brothers told her of my condition.

Epidermolysis bullosa.

The bane of my existence.

"Love are you awake?"

I close my eyes, talking hurt to much.

"Love the doctors are going to do another check up and then you can rest all night."

I pop an eye open. "If I'm going to go why is it taking so long." My words are barely above a whisper.

The lines around his eyes deepen. "Don't sound to eager about it." He jokes.

"With the way your holding on, I'll be the one to go first." His lips tilt up in a smile. And it was now that I wondered when he would finally get tired of this. Tired of me.

I choose to believe in the lie for a little while.

I couldn't smile if I wanted to. The pain was becoming unbearable. I tap Dad's hand resting next to mine.

He nods in understanding and asked the doctors if they could give me more painkillers.

I close my eyes briefly and when I open them again the doctors were gone.

My Dad awkwardly sleeps on the couch. I stare as James flips through another page of his Manga. I could see the graphic cover from here. The title attack on something was close enough for me to see.

"If you stare any harder you might become blind."

I try to frown. "Don't you think that's an inappropriate thing to say?"

He carefully places the manga on the table. His translucent hazel eyes staring straight ahead.

"Yeah, come and say it to my face."

"I wish I could."

He looks at me then. "You can, you just need to try."

I try to shake my head but I couldn't move. "The pain...."

"I wish I was still sick." I watch him and notice he was being serious. Before I could say anything he continues.

"I wouldn't feel so damn bad being here, sitting on the other side. Remember when we met? I was the sick one and now look at you." He ran a hand through his light hair.