HIM

I walk through the halls and all I can think about is him. His face, his eyes, his smile, his laugh, and his personality. I never thought I would feel this way about him of all people. From the moment we meet I knew not to like him because I could never be with him. He was to cute for me and I'm just this plain Jane type girl. He can do better then a girl like me.

My friends all say I'm pretty and can attract lots of guys to me but I just don't see what there talking about. I know they're my friends so they're saying it to cheer me up but the truth is I'm nothing pretty to look at. I know what your thinking about me. She has really low self-esteem and I kind of do but talking to me you would never be able to tell because I won't let it show. Anyways back to him. His name is Matthew and I have liked him for a while now.

He is very cute. He's the stereotypical white boy. He has blond hair and blue eyes. But what draws me to him is his personality. He is so sweet and caring. He's the kind of guy every girl want. The type of guy who will put his girlfriend up on a pedestal. He is just what I want in a guy. He can always make me laugh and smile for the littlest things. I wish he could be mine but he can't be. Sadly he has a girl. I was heartbroken when I found out who she was. Her name is Alyssa and she's a friend of mine. They hooked up on Christmas break.

I cried when I found out they were seeing each other because I had done the noblest thing a girl my age could do. I put my feelings for him to the side so he could be with this other girl he liked. Her name is Marisa. She is beautiful and really sweet. The only thing is she's pregnant. Matthew and Marisa meet through her ex that got her pregnant. Marisa didn't intend for Matt to like her but it just sort of happened which left me in the dust.

See silly me I got this idea in my head that Marisa and Matt were going to be together so I pushed my feelings away and sacrificed myself to help them be together. I want Marisa to have someone there for her and the baby. I knew Matt would take care of both of them. I knew I couldn't ruin Marisa's chances so I stepped to the side. It killed me but I knew I was doing the right thing. But then I felt stupid when everyone came back from break and he ended up with Alyssa.

Tears poured out of me and I didn't go to school the first day back from break. I just couldn't go back yet and face the reality of what happened. I was heartbroken to say the least. I felt as though someone had stabbed me through the heart. Now it has been a week since they got together. All my friends tell me they won't last but I know they're just trying to spare my feelings. The truth is he's not going to leave her any time soon. I want to forget him but how do I begin.

I'm just lost and confused. I want to honestly disappear and never come back to get away from all the pain and hurt. Unless you have been through this you won't know how I feel. You can say you do but until you feel it first hand you won't truly know the pain. Why did I have to fall for him? Why couldn't it be with him? Instead I go home everyday and cry myself to sleep. You can say I'm pathetic and need to get over it but its not as easy as people think it is. If it was I would be moving on with my life yet here I am writing down how I feel and how hurt I am.

I want to ruin their relationship so I can step in. I know I might sound cruel or wanting to do this but it's just what I want to do right now. I'm just so angry that I don't know how to deal. I want to be with him more than anything. So much I made a wish in a fountain to see if maybe it would happen but I'm just not that lucky. This is hard for me.

Worst of all I have to see them everyday. Today I decided to ask god for a sign to know if I should give up or hold on to what I feel. I got that sign. A painful sign that has me holding back tears. They are not going to break up they are going to stay together. Some might the sign is wrong but I know god isn't wrong and I have to resign. I'm just going to move on for this. I will put on a brave front and act like I'm okay but once the door of my room closes I will shed the tears I want to shed now for him but can't. I know now I will live with these feelings for a while but soon my feelings will become numb. I know this isn't the fairy tale ending you wanted. It's not the one I wanted but this story is real. This story is my life.

For all those of you who know how I feel I want to let you know that I've been through it. I know what it's like to sacrifice yourself for the one you care about most. So for now I will do me and be fake and be nice to her cause the truth is its not her fault it's mine. For not speaking up for not saying how I felt about him. Now time has run out for me and I have I face that fact that time is out. I will be the bigger person and go away. I'm going to let them be happy. I'm just the type that will do anything for there friend cause I love them that much.

I will always remember they way I felt for him but I can't deal with getting hurt every day. I got my sign and even though I may not like it I will move past this. Just remember if you are reading this I will be here if you need someone to talk to about something like this. As for him I hope he is happy with her and that she makes him happy because he deserves to be happy.

So again this is what is happening in my life and I just wanted to share that with you guys. I wanted to show you how real life is. Except for the names this story is real and it's about me. So thanks for reading and I hope none of you have to go through what I go through cause its something hard to go through.