Grace Amstrong

Part 1

My alarm clock went off like almost everyday for the few last years. It was 7AM. My eyes were wide open. I stared at my ceiling, what was light-grey. Same time trying to remember. Did I had a dream? If yes, then what was it about? I never could remember. But I tried. There was one question, what always was with me. I never knew the answer to it.

Why am I alive?

You may think that I am a total emo or so. But when you hear about my shity life, you will understand.

I just kept staring at the ceiling. Trying to think some good reasons but none. Just like every morning. Suddenly I heard the glass break. Few seconds later you could her my mom swear on my dad.

„HOW CAN SOMEBODY BE SO STUPID? YOU PIECE OF SHIT!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT SLUT OF YOURS SEES IN YOU!!"

I was so sure that the whole Sun Valley heard that. I took a deep breath. This time saying outloud what I was thinking.

„Why am I alive?"

Then I heard someone coming up the stairs. Lying in me bed. Between the cold, white sheets. I knew exactly, who it was.

„Hey, babe! I need to go now. Please take your brother to the kindergarten for me. I am already late. Kisses!" She ran back down. I didn't even try to answer her. Because I knew that she doesnt give a damn. I stayed in bed for 10 more minutes. Thinking about my question. Then it was time to take my medications. I had to take them every morning. I looked down on my desk. It was full of books and „drugs". Books of math, science and physics. All for school. All of them waste of time. All of them full of words that I don't understand. So they stayed there. Reason why I had to take my medications was easy. I have Osteosarcoma cancer. That means in human language- bone cancer. That's why I have short hair, why I am really skinny, tender skin and blabla. I was skinny for many reasons aswell but it all started with the cancer.

My brother stormed in to my room.

„What the heck aru you doing here?" I shouted. Every girl gets mad when somebody walks in to her room without knocking.

„I was just wondering if you could make me some breakfast?" Georg standing next to my closet. My room wasn't that big. Just my bed, desk, closet and some other random stuff. I walked to my brother, pushing him out of the room.

„Sure whatever." And closed the door behind him.

„THANK YOU!" He shouted.

I stumbled back to my desk to take all of my so called „drugs". When I heard a car start. I looked out and it was a black Audi A4. My mother jumped into it. She kissed the man next to her. The guy's name was Max Jenks. He was my mother boss. And yeah. Both of my parents were cheating on each other. Wonderful isn't it? It has been going on for few months. But like mother said to me that it isn't my problem.

Amstrong family is one hell of a big mess. You can say it like that.

When I dropped my little Georg into his kindergarten. I walked to school. You could say that it was a big school. But it wasn't nothing much. Full of dumbasses. I pushed the big red doors open. By the second everything went to slow motion. People walked past me. Every one did their own thing. I was nothing. But my best friend wasn't. Her name was Jennifer Harlson. Known as Miss Perfect. She ran down the hall, screaming:

„HEY BESTY!!"

Everybodies eyes were on the one and only Jennifer Harlson. She was the schools prettiest and smartest girl ever. She was perfect. She had the perfect family were no one cheated on nobody. Her long straight blond hair in a bum. Her perfect body. Pluss she was a soccer player. Every boy wanted her. She was perfect. In some weird and unreal way I was her best friend over the years. "Hey you." I answered. She ran up and hugged me tight. "Can you believe it?? Jordan finally asked me to the prom. I said yes. And can you believe it that I am going to Spain tomorrow evening after school!? Will you even live without me??" She put her arm around my shoulder and we walked to our class. "I might kill myself." I said to her with sarcasm. "Dumbass!!" She laughed. Of course I can't left out that how perfect her smile was. Jennifer Harlson could had everything she ever wanted. Ever.

We walked to the class. I could feel the wind coming from the open window. Jennifer's perfume smell was everywhere. Yeah her perfume was perfect too. "HEY JENN!!" Peter raised his hand and waved at Jenn. He played in the lacross team. He was the captain. I knew that every one wanted him exepct Jennifer and me. I didn't give a fuck about boys. And no I am not gay.

"Peter Poskley are you inviting me and Grace to sit with you in history??" Jennifer asked. Peter smiled to himself. " Yes I am. But only you. Not that one." He looked over me. I standed there without moving. His brown eyes looked down to up. But his face said everything. Disgusting

"I could just sit alone, Jennifer." I said and then sit in the front. I always sat in the front. Because I didnt want to see how people will turn and look at me like why do you even live. Believe me. I ask myself the same question over and over again.

"No. I am going to sit with my best friend." Jennifer turned around. She had that wicked smile. "WAIT..." Peter stopped her. Jennifer turned to him and the smile was gone. "What?"

"You and your little pig can sit with us." Peter didn't even look at me. "Good." She smiled and picked up my packback.

This was the first time in this school when we could sit with any other popular kid. Of course Jennifer was popular. To be honest I couldn't never want another besty. The word besty is too Jennifer. "So you are going to Spain?" Peter asked when the class had already stared. Jennifer nodded. She knew, how do play hard with boys. I learned a few things about it from her. How do get stuff and so. "When are you coming back??" He asked. Leaning against her. "Im going to prom with Jordan." She knew what he wanted. "No I didn't mean that." He pulled back. Peter was suprised that Jennifer said no. But still it was exactly what he wanted to ask her. But when the answer is already no. Then you just cant stay true to yourself. Boys. "Then what?" Jennifer looked at him with a smile. "Why does there always has to be a reason?"

"Because there always is one."

The just went on and on. I didnt listen to them. I tought of my things. There weren't much of my things to be honest. Sometimes I tought about my parents. And how could they do something like that to eachother. Why to be together when you don't love the other person. There was many questions beside that one question.

"Why is she here?" I heard it. They were thinking my thoughts. I looked to my right. There were sitting some lacross players. When the saw that I was looking at them. They turned. And did it like they were actully learning something. God, how they needed some extra lessons. The sports students were always the dumbasses in our school. Exepct for Jennifer and Peter. The smart ones where zero about everything else what happend out side of school. It has always been that way. The grade is just a grade just like the artists were just the artist, who could wore really colourful clothtings. There were the party- all-night students. They never came the school. Lets just say that they couldnt make it. And then there were the life-is-beautiful students. They would come to you and give you some flowers, posters, where there was smiley faces. But I didn't fit with any of them.

I was the why-are-you-here student. Nobody wanted me. Exepct for Jennifer. I would always be wearing something black or white. My brown short hair trying to be in a little ponytail. But some loosen hair still flying around. I will always be the sneackers kind of girl. Not the high heels kind of girl. I couldn't do anything because of my cancer. There was a big chance that my bones can break really easil. My heart was always broken. It was impossible to fix it. Because nobody never wanted to.

I will always be the unwanted.

My name is Grace Amstrong.

My question is

Why am I alive? Why?